A Step in the Right Direction

12/28/12

We had our first ultrasound yesterday, and we actually got to have T do it.  It's completely different to have someone who actually cares about you as a person and hugs you when they come in the room.  She gave us lots of information, answered questions, and best of all, got to the ultrasound fast.

I take that back, best of all, there was a heartbeat!  We could see it flickering very clearly on the screen. Everything else looked good, too.  The yolk sack was there, the shape around the baby was normal, there was a whiter lining around it (don't remember what it was, but apparently it was good).  T thought she could see what would become the umbilical cord, too.

The baby measured 6 weeks 3 days on most of the measurements she took.  We thought we were 6 weeks 5 days, but at this stage it's not abnormal to be within a few days.  Plus, we were estimating based on my last menstrual period, so we could be wrong.  The only thing that scares me is that the last baby quit growing at 6 weeks, 3 days.  We went in at 6 weeks 1 day and could see the heartbeat just like this time.  Two weeks later, there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 3 days.

We have an ultrasound again next week to look for growth.  Honestly, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much until then.  And I know we aren't out of the woods at 7 weeks, but it will pass that milestone for me.  Everyone keeps saying that everything will be fine, not to worry until we have something to worry about, etc.  But everyone said that last time and it was not fine.  So while we did take a step in the right direction, I am still trying to guard my heart and wait to see what God has in store.

6 Weeks!

It is December 22nd, and we are 6 weeks along today.  It has been a very long 2 weeks so far; I can only imagine what the next few months are going to be like.

We found out December 8th that we were pregnant.  The home pregnancy test was a digital one, so it very clearly said "pregnant."  I had woken Stephen up to tell him I was going to take the test (and couldn't wait any longer because I really had to go to the bathroom).  Every single test I've ever taken we've looked at together, and this one was no different.  When the timer went off, we looked, and there it was!

The first thing Stephen did was pray, which was the best thing he could have done.  We were happy, but more than anything, we were scared.  After losing the last baby, it is terrifying to think that we could go through that again.  But no matter how hard we try, there is no way to keep ourselves from getting attached to this one.

We tried to get our parents together to tell them all at once again.  But if I called and did the same thing as last time, they would know (or at least be suspicious).  So we ended up buying picture frames that said something about grandchildren being the greatest gifts, and in the photo area I made a "For a picture of Baby Washburn coming on or around August 17, 2013" card.  Then we took them over to each of their houses and gave it to them.  As soon as we randomly walked in the door and handed them a present, they all pretty much knew.  There were tears and hugs and little dances.  But we were only 4 weeks, so we all knew it was a long road ahead.

We haven't exactly been keeping it a secret, but we haven't been telling a lot of people either.  Having to notify everyone of the miscarriage last time was really hard.  But at the same time, we want people to know if we miscarry because we want to have the support of family and friends.  Plus, it's so hard to keep this a secret!

I think my first cravings were the Sweet Potato Smashfries and Smashburger.  They sounded so good, when most food did not sound appealing at all.  I haven't really been sick (at least I haven't thrown up), but I've been nauseous off and on and food just hasn't sounded very good.

Last week, so at about 5 and a half weeks, there was some spotting Tuesday night.  When I saw it, my arms went numb.  I think it was adrenaline.  It was too similar to what we'd experienced before and it terrified me.  I took the next day off of work.  Luckily, I had told some good friends at work about the pregnancy (and they also knew about the miscarriage), so they all covered for me and made it really easy.  I pretty much stayed in bed the next day.  I don't know if bed rest would help this early in pregnancy, but I figured it certainly wouldn't hurt.  Stephen came home during lunch and worked from here the rest of the day.  We did a blood test that night, and the results were good.  My progesterone level was at 17 (over 10 is good) and my hcg level was above 33,000!  Which is really high.  Stephen says it's twins.  We did another hcg level test on Friday morning (about 36 hours later), and it was up above 47, 0000, which is a pretty good increase.  From what I've read, the hcg level should double approximately every 72 hours.  And even though my body doesn't really deal with miscarriage well, I don't think the hcg level would be rising if I wasn't still pregnant.

We have our first ultrasound with T on December 27th.  I'm so excited for it to be with her, someone who cares about us as individuals and not just another patient.  I was the sickest I've been this morning. I was at the point where I was debating whether I needed to head to the bathroom to throw up or not.  As much as I hate throwing up, I want to so bad right now because it would be another sign that this was actually happening.  I know not all women throw up, but it is a classic pregnancy symptom.

I have had to go to the bathroom a lot, which is good.  I think I have a cyst, which T says is good (and normal) because it secretes hormones.  It's painful sometimes, and it makes me worried when there's pain in that area, but if it's helping the baby, bring it on.  I have been craving deviled egg sandwiches on whole wheat english muffins with a piece of green leaf lettuce on the top.  How's that for very specific?  But it's not an unhealthy craving.  And it gets me some protein and a little bit of vegetables.  So I've had them the last two days.  And they've never tasted so good.

The last two weeks have been very emotional.  Checking for spotting every time I go to the bathroom, being crazy in tune with every twinge and cramp coming from the area, plus having crazy amounts of hormones making everything even more emotional that it would have been otherwise.  But at the same time, I am so excited for this baby.  We are praying all the time, and I know we've got tons of prayers out there with our family and friends who believe that God can make miracles happen.  So here's to our little miracle.

No Oops!

*Note, I actually wrote this about a month ago, but never published it.*

I swear the machine I was in was bigger...

So we went in for another MRI to see if the doctor had made a mistake on the surgery.  Last time, even though I had worn sweatpants, a tshirt, a sports bra, and a hair twisty with no metal, I still had to wear a hospital gown.  So this time, I wore normal clothes and didn't worry about it.  When I got there, he said because I was wearing jeans, I would have to change.  When asked, he said I wouldn't have had to change if I'd worn sweatpants.  Apparently different MRI techs have different opinions.

This time I didn't have a gown, I had fancy gauze-ish blue shorts.  Basically like the disposable hospital gowns, but sewn into shorts form with the elastic on the top.  The were baggy and came down to my knees.  Coupled with me socks that I still had on (to keep my feet warm), I was totally in fashion.

I had a very "been there, done that" sort of attitude going into the whole thing.  Until he said he would pull me out about halfway through to inject me with something.  Say what?  There were no needles involved last time.  Totally not okay, I HATE needles.  Now you're going to stick me in a tube and make me wait 20 minutes to get stabbed and then stick me back in the tube?  Not cool, dude.  Not cool.

It really did psych me out a little.  Last time I just sang along with the crazy loud poundings of the machine.  This time, I was trying to sing songs, but I kept having a panicky feeling rise up.  I know it's a total mental thing, and I did it before, so I can do it again.  But it was much more difficult to stay calm.  What's funny is when I was desperately trying to think of songs, the songs that came to mind were songs from when I was a kid.  The old Psalty tapes and movies we used to listen to were the songs that came to mind.  I think it was God's way of helping me calm down.

Anyway, I made it through without squeezing the panic ball.  And best of all, the results were good.  The septum is gone, so now we are just back to dealing with the PCOS.  Which is what we thought we were dealing with in May.  Six months later, we can start trying again.

When the Doctor Says Oops...

Well, he didn't actually say "oops," but he insinuated that there may have been an oops.  Last Thursday my fertility doctor called and asked if I had a minute.  Being surprised and very curious, I dropped what I was doing.  He went on to tell me that he had done a surgery on a woman whose uterus looked similar to mine.

Quick backstory: During the surgery the doctors were surprised at how small the septum looked (they had expected bigger based on the MRI).  They spent a while making sure (according to them), but decided that the test they had done first (where they inserted a balloon and then dye to make sure my fallopian tubes were fine) had, for lack of a better word, smooshed the septum making it appear smaller.

On the phone last week, he said the woman's uterus was similar and she had not had the test/balloon.  Eventually he found the hole he was looking for, and he is worried that he might have missed it on me because they dismissed the abnormality as a byproduct of the balloon.  I think that basically the septum could have been so big that he missed it completely.  There might've been a hole at the bottom that lead to the other side of my uterus.  If that's the case, the last few months (basically since August) has been a waste and we start over with the surgery.

So he ordered another MRI and we'll see what the change was from the previous MRI.  For some reason, he couldn't order the MRI in the Elk Grove facility (he tried to convince me they didn't have a MRI...but I had my first MRI at Big Horn).  So we'll have to go up to South Sac, hopefully soon.  I played phone tag with the radiology department today.  And by phone tag I mean they called once and I tried to call back 3 times.  They have very short hours and since the weather is going to be bad on Friday, I've had to move a big school event up a couple of days, leading to a very busy day for me.  Hopefully I can catch them in the morning before my kids come in for class.

At first I was having a really hard time.  But Stephen reminded me that both surgeons had been in there and looked a lot.  And these are very skilled, very experienced specialists who have done this surgery many times.  So the chances that both of them missed something is pretty low.  Second, based on the MRI, the septum did not appear that large.  In order for them to have missed it, it would have to have been huge. Also, God can heal anything, even if the doctors made a mistake.  What I want to know is if the doctor missed the septum, what did he cut??

Post Surgery Update

I'm alive!  Mostly, anyways.  I had planned on going back yesterday, but was in too much pain.  And I just have no energy whatsoever.  The pain is mostly cramping, which will hopefully be decreasing since they removed the balloon this afternoon.

Yup, basically

So the surgery itself:  We didn't have to be there until 11:30 on Wednesday afternoon, so we slept in.  I couldn't eat past midnight, so I was pretty hungry.  They called me back into the pre op area and had me change into the beautiful hospital gown.  But I did get the pre heated blankets, which is the best part of being in the hospital.  I had a really nice nurse at first, and the nurse who did my IV actually got it in on the first try. For the first time in my life.  Then my nurse got called somewhere else and the head nurse, I think, took over.  She wasn't in scrubs and had a lot of jewelry on, so I think she was covering.  She was pretty cold, so I was glad I didn't have to talk to her long.

When the doctor came to talk to us, I asked about the ink test because none of the nurses had it on their paperwork.  Apparently he had forgotten that he said he was going to do it.  He said we didn't have to do it because obviously one of my fallopian tubes was fine (because I got pregnant).  I still wanted to have it done to make sure they were both fine.  He went and checked and said the equipment was in the room, so we would be able to do it.  The nursing staff seemed a little frustrated because changes were made without it being clear to them what was going on.  But I wanted to get the painful test over with.

I don't remember being wheeled back or going under, which is weird.  I remember the nurse giving me "happy juice" before wheeling me back.  It must've worked a little too well because I don't remember anything after that.

When I woke up Stephen wasn't there, and I remember moaning and shifting because it was hurting so much.  The nurse gave me "something for the pain," but it didn't really help.  When she asked what number I was at (they ask you to rank your pain 1 to 10), I gave the same number.  To which she shortly replied that my heart rate was down and my blood pressure was down, so it had to be better and I needed to quit lying.

She asked if I'd taken Vicodin, which I said yes, and she asked me how often.  I stammered a little trying to remember when I'd last taken Vicodin and she got very insistent.  It seemed like she thought I was just trying to get more pain medication.  Maybe she was afraid I'd taken some before and was trying to keep me awake.  She also kept telling me "open your eyes" as if she was frustrated that I kept closing them.  For anyone that has come out of anesthesia, keeping your eyes open is not an enticing or easy thing to do.

I couldn't tell you what she looked like because I was still so out of it when we left.  Stephen said it was the same head nurse that had covered earlier.  I was apparently the very last patient of the day (it was a surgery center) and everyone else, including the nurses in scrubs, had walked out.  There was more than one person because I remember them talking about my "posse" in the waiting room (Stephen, my parents, my sister, and Stephen's parents).  Stephen said they wouldn't let him back there because I was "having trouble" coming out of the anesthesia.  Duh.  Who comes out of anesthesia well?

I vaguely remember Stephen helping me get dressed.  And the nurse sticking an alcohol pad under my nose to keep me from throwing up.  Then we had a very long drive home (the surgery center was in Folsom).

We realized on Thursday that the estrogen patches the doctor had talked about so much weren't on me. I had felt band aids and assumed they were the patches.  I don't know who exactly dropped the ball on that one, but it was definitely a mistake.  The doctor ordered it, but sent it to the Roseville pharmacy.  So Stephen ended up having to sit in the waiting room at the Elk Grove pharmacy waiting for them to fill the prescription.  And we had to pay for it.  Not that much, but it should've just been part of the post op surgery stuff.

I've pretty much been home ever since.  I felt like I was getting better.  We went out to dinner on Saturday for my dad's birthday, and I did okay.  I haven't been able to eat much, but I wasn't in too much pain.  Sunday I laid around my parents house, but still didn't have much energy.  By Sunday afternoon I knew I wasn't going to be able to teach the whole day.

Since I had to go do sub plans, I taught my math class.  My leadership classes are fine without me for a week, but without having a math teacher, my math class gets behind.  I have a great sub, but she's not a math teacher.  She does the best she can, which is very good, but it's still hard for the kids.

I ended up having her sub for me today (Tuesday) as well.  I already had to take a half day to get the balloon removed, so I figured I might as well just take one more day off and hopefully aid in recovering more quickly.  I do feel much better today, but the balloon removal was very unpleasant.  The nurse said "I'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt," and she wasn't kidding.

They used a syringe to remove the liquid in the balloon first.  Which was similar to getting a pap smear for you ladies reading this.  Then he had to reach in with forceps and remove the balloon.  Which was very painful.  And then my uterus freaked out.  The doctor said "and there's the cramp we told you about."  No kidding.  He stood there and talked to us for a little while, which was a little awkward.  When I sat up he asked if I was dizzy, so I think he was stalling to try to let the pain subside a little.

Meanwhile, my uterus was throwing a temper tantrum.  I don't blame it with everything I've put it through in the last week.  But it has improved and I definitely feel better.  Now I just have to wait out all this crazy estrogen.  They put patches on me (or they were supposed to) to promote the growth of the lining of the uterus.  So I currently have 4 estrogen patches on, which is the equivalent of a month's worth for most women.  Plus my own.  I am definitely feeling the back pain, headaches, nausea, and emotional roller coastering of a month's worth of hormones all at once.  Plus, I'm on amoxycillin (high risk of infection) and 800mg motrin pretty much around the clock. No wonder I'm not feeling well.

We have our post op appointment next week where they'll show us pictures.  From what they told Stephen, the septum was not as pronounced as they thought it was.  Apparently my uterus is wider than normal and could have been folding in on itself to make the septum seem larger than it actually was.  But they removed the septum, although smaller than expected, and did the dye test and everything was normal.  The doctor today said they can go in with a scope to see if they successfully removed the septum, or we can just start trying again after two menstrual cycles.  If it wasn't successfully removed, what do we do?  Surgery.  Again.  So prayers for a successful healing would still be much appreciated.

Upcoming Surgery

It's been a while since my last blog post.  Things have been very busy with school, and especially with activities.  I feel slightly more prepared than last year, but still not quite as prepared as I'd hoped.  It seems like I'm always just a day ahead, sometimes just a morning ahead.  But so far, so good.

My surgery is one week from today and the doctor will be removing the septum in my uterus.  The doctors will insert one camera through my belly button and one camera up through the cervix, which will also have the little pair of scissors that will cut away at the septum.  They are also going to do the HSG test where they insert dye into my uterus and watch as it goes out the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no blockage.  It's a painful test and he said they could just get it out of the way while I was asleep.  Sounds good to me!

After the surgery they insert a uteran shaped balloon into my uterus to keep the walls from collapsing on each other and healing together.  After a couple of days (I think), the doctor will remove it.  I'll also be on antibiotics intravenously through the surgery and then orally afterwards.  The biggest risk with the surgery is scar tissue, which could cause infertility.

I took Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off next week, and hopefully I should be back on Monday.  It's an outpatient surgery and we should only be in the hospital for a couple of hours.  He said once they have me ready to be wheeled back, it will be about an hour and a half before the doctor will go out to get Stephen.  Then I have to wake up from the anesthesia, and after that I can go home.

I've been under anesthesia enough times that I'm not worried about that part.  Although I do cry every time I come out.  But the nurses laugh when I call that a side effect.  Last time my heart rate was low and I kept setting off the alarms, but my blood pressure was also low and the nurse said that was ok.  Every time I would fall asleep, my heart rate would drop too low and the alarms on the machines I was hooked up to would go off.

We'll have to wait 2 - 3 months after the surgery before we can start trying to have a baby again.  At that point the doctor will start the clomid, which will help treat the PCOS, a whole DIFFERENT issue. Statistically, I am definitely an abnormality.  Uterine septum? Got it. PCOS? Got it?  Vaginal septum? Had it (removed as a teenager, apparently a third unrelated issue).  Tuberculosis?  Had it.  Meningitis? Had it.  Scabies? Had it.  Undiagnosed for several months because it was "atypical."  Erythema nodosum (lumps on the legs)? Had it.  Abnormal growth on my mouth?  Had it.  There was wax from my wisdom tooth removal that did not dissolve like it was supposed to and my body formed a casing around it.  All I knew was there was a lump in my cheek.  Doctors said we could biopsy it every year or they could just take it out, so they took it out.  So like I said, I am a walking statistical anomaly.  Just means I'm special, right?

The Storm Begins to Clear

So I figured it would be good to write a blog post before school officially starts and things get even more busy.  Since I haven't written anything since before the D&C, I figured it was time for an update.

I actually don't really remember the D&C itself.  It was in Roseville and we had to be there really early (7 I think), so the drive was uneventful.  We were among the first people into Kaiser, I think, because it was very empty.  We even beat the receptionist by about 5 minutes.  They checked us in and Stephen got to stay with me the whole time.  (While they put in the IV, checked all my vital signs, etc).  We were the only ones back there, so it was pretty fast.  The doctor came and talked to us and then they wheeled me back.

I remember them talking to me a little bit, and talking about the patient that was coming after me.  The doctor patted my feet every once in a while, which I found strangely comforting.  It was like I "I know you're here, you'll be fine" kind of pat.  After they gave me the "cocktail" I don't really remember anything.  I wasn't actually unconscious, but the drugs have an amnesiac effect and pretty much knock you out.  Just not completely.  The one thing I do remember is tears running into my ears because I was laying flat on my back.  The nurse must've noticed because she wiped away some of them.  But I think they were either done or almost done because I don't remember anything else about that moment.

The next thing I remember I was back out in the recovery area and Stephen was there.  I guess the doctor came out to get him right away because I was crying.  I slept for a while, but the machine I was hooked up to kept beeping because my heart rate was dropping too low.  I guess I just have a very slow resting heart rate, especially with the drugs in my system.  The nurse said it was okay because my blood pressure is very low, too, so it's not a bad thing.

We left there around 10:30, so the whole process went very quick.  We got Arby's on the way home and had to wait for the drive through to open.  :-)  I laid around for a couple of days, but I think overall I did okay.  My family and a couple of good friends checked in a lot, which was a nice reminder that I wasn't alone.

Since then whenever people ask how I am, my answer is usually "good days and bad days."  The majority of days are good now, unless something sets me off.  I hear a sad song on the radio and can't keep it together.  Someone at work is confrontational and I get over emotional.  Sometimes it all happens in one day (two weeks ago) and I just come home and cry.  I get strangely overwhelmed sometimes, like the first big family thing we went to, or the first time we went back to church.  I know I am loved and supported in both places, I wasn't nervous about being there, but I just get really emotional for no reason.  It's happening less often, though.

It feels like the major storm is clearing out.  Not gone completely, but less central and consuming in my life.  I don't know if it will ever be gone completely.  My grandpa died in February, so I believe he got to meet our baby before we did.  But someday we will meet him or her.  Until then, life goes on.

Pre service days start next week and the students come Thursday.  I've actually been at school all week trying to get ready.  But I'm actually glad to be going back.  It will focus me on other things, I have some good leadership students who are excited and happy to be there, and I'm looking forward to my second year as activities director where I feel like I know a little more.  A little.

Also new for us is a couple from Ireland, Daniel and Samantha, are renting from us while they get their feet under them in the U.S.  Daniel is actually originally from Sweden and Samantha is from New Jersey/St. Louis, but they've been living in Ireland for 6 years.  Daniel works for Apple and worked with Stephen.  I met him when we went in March 2011, but only briefly at a large table with a lot of Apple people (I mentioned the dinner here).  Daniel decided to transfer from the Cork Apple to the Elk Grove Apple, and were looking for a place to live.  Hotels are really expensive, and apartments rarely come furnished and are hard to decide on without seeing.  We said they could rent from us since we have a furnished room and extra bathroom.

One of the first things we did was go to IKEA, which is a Swedish company.  You know all those Swedish names they have for every item in IKEA?  Well the really are Swedish, but not all make sense.  Some are no brainers, like the sewing machine name means "sew."  But there was a braided basket whose name meant "snip."  And some of the names are just cities.  We decided someone in Sweden sits behind a desk and just laughs as they decide on names.  It was quite entertaining to walk through IKEA with a native Swedish speaker, who pointed out some of the more interesting names.

And that Swedish market they have after the registers is truly a Swedish market.  Daniel was very excited to find a certain cheese that is not found anywhere else.  Apparently IKEA used to carry actual Swedish brands of things, but now they are making their own.  But it's still good, at least according to Daniel and Samantha.

They flew into Elk Grove around 11:00pm last Saturday, so between that and starting school, life has been busy.  It's a welcome distraction.

So how am I doing?  Good days and bad days, but more good than bad.

  

Confidence Makes All the Difference

So we are feeling much better about the surgery after going to the doctor today.  We met the doctor who's going to do the surgery and he was very nice, very reassuring, and perhaps best of all, very confident.  He did the ultrasound for the sole purpose of helping us be comfortable with our decision.

Right away he said stuff was beginning to happen in my uterus, and even we could see a difference.  At the 6 week ultrasound (when the baby was still alive), there was a dark circle that would eventually have become the placenta.  At the 8 week ultrasound (2 weeks after the baby stopped growing), it was more of an oval.  Today, what should've been 10 weeks, it was misshapen, like a deflating balloon.  He said that was the beginning of the miscarriage.

He also showed us the fetal pole and how it measured 6 weeks and 4 days.  Then he showed us how big it should have been at 7 weeks (twice it's size), 8 weeks, and when I said I should be 10 weeks, he showed us how big it should be.  He said at that point it's a baby, very clear and easy to see.  All we could see was a little stick looking thing (he was pretty sure it was the fetal pole).  It was actually more difficult to see the baby on this ultrasound than the 8 week one, so it is very obvious, even to Stephen and I who cannot read ultrasounds, that there is no chance that this baby could be alive.

He said he couldn't tell for sure if the baby had implanted on the septum.  He said it was in the left half, and it looked like it was on the side, but he couldn't be sure.  He said we should still do the septum surgery, which we were going to do anyway.  I guess some people would say if it wasn't a problem this time, why do another surgery.  But for us, anything we can do to improve our chances is worth it.  It means we have to wait 3 - 4 months before we can start trying again, though.  6 - 8 weeks recovery from the D&C before the septum surgery, then 1 or 2 menstrual cycles recovery before trying again.  This means a late summer, fall, or winter baby, which is definitely not what I had planned, but at this point it doesn't seem as big of a deal.

The doctor offered us a card for a counselor, went through everything that's going to happen tomorrow, and spent some time just talking to us.  I have felt strangely okay all day.  Maybe this is God's way of showing me this is the right decision.  And the upside of not being pregnant and not being able to try to get pregnant is now I can drink caffeine and eat sushi.  I'm not a huge alcohol fan, but I could drink if I wanted to.  And I can get healthier and more in shape, which will hopefully lead to an easier pregnancy.    

Update on the miscarriage

It seems like most people are afraid to ask for updates, so I figured it would be good to post about it on here.  I know there's a lot of people reading it.  And for those of you who sent emails, whether or not I responded, I appreciate your kind words and prayers.

It's been 10 days since we found out there was no heartbeat, 3 and a half weeks (24 days) since the baby stopped growing.  And I'm still queasy, still tired, and still can't stand the sight, thought, or smell of eggs or ham.  Pretty much exactly the same as when I was pregnant.  No spotting whatsoever.  Some cramping, but I've had that for over 2 weeks.

We did two blood tests last week and while my HCG levels are high, they are decreasing.  And while HCG levels do decrease in the 9-11th week, they should be higher before they decrease.  So that pretty much seals the deal.  Even if the doctor, the ultrasound tech, and the radiologist were all wrong, my hormones don't lie.

We're going to do one more ultrasound tomorrow, just for peace of mind.  And we have the D&C scheduled for Monday morning.  It's with one of the fertility specialist doctors, so I feel confident in his knowledge of my weird uterus.  The other doctor said several times in our conversation that the septate uterus shouldn't be a problem, wouldn't be a problem during the D&C.  I got the feeling she was convincing herself just as much as convincing us.  Granted, our only interactions with her have been negative and being told that this baby we were dreaming about was no longer alive.  So we may be a little biased against her.

I am not feeling overly confident in the decision to do a D&C.  I know there is not really any chance that this baby is still alive, but what if...  The D&C spares me the physical pain of a miscarriage, and the possibly long period of bleeding afterward.  It means we can schedule the surgery to remove the septum sooner.  And it means we can start moving on and really healing emotionally.  We had the initial shock and sadness, but now we're just waiting.  Checking every time I go to the bathroom.  Praying that the cramping gets worse so it can just be over.  But everyday it's just more nausea, exhaustion, and cramping.

I am not getting a clear answer from God, either.  I do know He's with me.  I have one friend who I haven't seen in a while who we happened to run into and tell we were pregnant.  I texted her and told her when we lost the baby.  She is one of the strongest women of God I know; when she says she'll pray for you, things happen.  It the darkest moments, after the radiologist confirmed no heartbeat and after the initial decision to not do the D&C right away, she texted me.  The first was just to say I was on her heart, and the second time that she was later.  Both came within 5 minutes of getting the news.  It was like God using her to remind me that He sees me and I am not alone.

Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (NIV) and "The Lord Himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm" (NLT) have popped up in my life multiple times.  It was in a "worry" Bible study I started on YouVersion after I found out I was pregnant (I was worried from the beginning).  A friend sent it to me in an email.  And I've seen it on Pinterest of all places.  It's pretty much where I'm at right now.  I don't have the emotional or physical fight in me, my only option is to be still.  I tend to withdraw when I'm upset, or angry, or sad....pretty much all the time.  Given fight or flight I choose flight everyday and twice on Sundays.  All I can do right now is be still, and that's ok for now.

Waiting to Miscarry

So I haven't posted anything in a while because I was hoping my next post would be an "I'm pregnant!!" post.  We found out about 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant.  Did the home pregnancy test, it was positive.  Did the blood test, it was positive.  Did an ultrasound because I was spotting a little, it was positive and the doctor thought she could see a heartbeat but we couldn't hear it.  But that is normal for around 6 weeks (which is what I was).  We did another blood test 2 days later and my HCG hormone more than doubled, which was a good sign.  We told immediate family and a few friends, but were waiting until our 8 week ultrasound to confirm the baby had grown before telling everyone.

I spent the two weeks beyond thrilled that I was queasy and had strong aversions to certain foods.  It's not fun to be queasy, but I so desperately wanted to be pregnant that any sign of pregnancy was exciting and welcomed.  We knew we were high risk, but still hoped.

At the 8 week ultrasound the doctor was quiet for a while, looking for the heartbeat.  Then she told us she couldn't find one.  And the measurement was 6 weeks 3 days, when it should've been 8 weeks and 2 days.  When we'd gone in 2 weeks earlier it had been 6 weeks 1 day.  She said they always confirm by having someone else do another ultrasound, but she'd been doing it for 16 years and didn't want  to give us false hope.  After talking a lot, she kind of sat there waiting like we were supposed to say something.  I don't know if we were supposed to have questions or what, but all I wanted to do was leave.  She left and then came back with some paperwork on dealing with miscarriage and took us out to make an appointment for the next day.

The next day we went to the radiology department to have another ultrasound.  I was already very emotional, and then they wouldn't let Stephen come back with me.  And the tech was pregnant.  And grumpy.  She did the regular external ultrasound, then had me go to the bathroom and did an internal ultrasound.  She had me put the wand thing in, which I found really weird.  Between the uterine abnormality stuff and this pregnancy, I've had 5 or 6 of these internal ones done and had never been told to put it in myself.  When I questioned her, she got really defensive and said she likes to give her patients the option and if they didn't want to that was fine.  Well she hadn't given me the option, I just did it.  But she kept defending herself at which point I lost it and said I really didn't care.  After that she was a little nicer.  She asked if I'd seen my doctor lately, I said yes and she was doing this to confirm.  So I took that as a bad sign.

The doctor called that afternoon and said the radiologist had not found a heartbeat either.  We have three options, either let my body miscarry on its own, take medication to start the miscarriage, or do a D&C.  My doctor seemed to be leaning toward the medication, but after talking to T about it, I didn't want to do that.  T said the medication basically induces labor and can be very painful, and sometimes you still have to have a D&C.  So then I was leaning toward the D&C so I can get it over with and start to move on.  We already have to push the surgery to remove the septate back and I want to start trying again as soon as we can.

Stephen answered the phone when the doctor called.  She started talking about the procedure and actually described a D&E where they use suction instead of scrapers.  She said several times that the septate shouldn't be a problem for her, almost like she was convincing herself.  When she said it was the same procedure as an abortion but not an abortion because there was no heartbeat (I think to reassure us), I lost it.  She just kept talking and talking so Stephen had to cut her off and almost hang up on her.  When her nurse called to schedule to D&C (or E) I told her I'd changed my mind and was just going to let my body do what it's supposed to.

But it's now Sunday (4 days after finding out there was no heartbeat and almost 3 weeks after the baby stopped growing) and I am having no signs of miscarriage.  I'm still queasy, still have strong food aversions, and am still exhausted.  Except now instead of praying there is no blood when I go to the bathroom, I'm praying that there will be.  All the queasiness and other pregnancy symptoms are just a sad reminder that my body can't get with the program and still thinks I'm pregnant.  I'm in this horrible in between time where I can't start to move on because it hasn't happened yet.

Part of me is (irrationally, I know) worried about doing the D&C because people make mistakes.  What if the doctors are wrong?  I also didn't want that particular doctor to do it because I seemed to know more about my septate uterus than she did.  She said several times that it could not have caused the miscarriage, which is exactly opposite of what our fertility specialist said.  And she couldn't tell me where it had implanted, so she couldn't have known that wasn't the cause of the miscarriage.

I'm going to do two more HCG tests this week, and if they're going down, then I know the doctors weren't wrong.  I'm not really holding out hope, I would just always live with the fear that our baby might still be alive and I did a D&C.  It seems like the easy way out for me.  It's over quickly.  I'm not worried about surgery or anesthetic.  I'm terrified of the physical pain that I've read online about natural miscarriages.  And even more terrified of being in this horrible limbo for weeks.

I know God is walking with us through this.  The day after we found out I felt like I was in this protective little bubble.  I was still sad, but I knew we were going to get through it, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  It was like coming up for a breath.  Certain days and hours have been worse than others.  Sometimes something triggers the tears, sometimes they just come for no apparent reason.  I know we have a lot of people praying for us and a few good friends who've been checking in.  I know we'll get through this, it just feels like we have so long to go.

First fertility specialist appointment

So we had our first appointment at the fertility specialist last Thursday.  It was a pretty busy weekend, so I hadn't gotten around to posting until today.

This post is going to have a lot of medical stuff, so if the word "uterus" freaks you out even a little, stop reading now.  You have been warned.

Anyway, the doctor was very confident in his diagnosis and in our prognosis.  First, looking at the MRI we had done, he said my uterus is not bicornuate, it's just septate.  Which is good.  Basically there's a range of possibilities from a normal uterus to two completely separate uteri and reproductive organs.  Bicornuate is one step closer to normal, it's basically two uteri, but one cervix, vagina, etc.  One step closer to normal is septate.  It means the top of the uterus has come together, but there's still the point of the heart inside.  You can see the septate and bicornuate uterus in the picture below, normal would be to the left of the picture and a double uterus would be to the right.  Ignore the Asherman's syndrome in the middle, that doesn't apply to me.

The reason the radiologist who read my MRI the first time thought it was bicornuate was because on the MRI you can see the heart shape, which is present for both bicornuate and septate.  What the fertility specialist was able to see the dark color (which means tissue or muscle) above the point.

The reason this is good is because with a bicornuate uterus, there is nothing that can be done.  Surgery would cause too much scar tissue, and a baby cannot implant on scar tissue.  With a septate uterus, they can do surgery to cut out the heart point.  There is a risk of scar tissue, but not nearly as much with a bicornuate.  

For the surgery I'll be put under (hallelujah) there will be one scope with scissors and a camera inserted up the vagina and one scope with a camera and dye inserted through my belly button.  I guess the scope through the belly button is so small they don't even have to sew it, they just put tape on it.  They fill the uterus with water to expand it and then when they're finished, they fill a balloon with water and insert it into the uterus for about a week.  Doesn't that sound fun?  That way the top of the uterus doesn't heal together and cause scar tissue.  

While I'm out, they'll use the scope through my belly button to inject dye in the uterus and make sure it flows out through the fallopian tubes like it should.  It's a test they would have done anyway, and it's pretty painful, so the doctor recommended they do it while I'm under anesthesia.  I said the more painful things they do while I'm under instead of while I'm awake, the better.  I don't like anesthesia though, I always cry when I'm coming out of it.

The surgery will probably be July/August, I'm still waiting on the scheduler to call me back.  After that, I get put on hormones for two months.  We have to wait at least a month after the surgery before it will be safe to get pregnant.  Then we begin tackling the completely separate and unrelated issue #2, the PCOS.

So in a normal women, the brain sends Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) to the ovaries which stimulates the follicles (creative name, huh) to mature an egg.  Once the egg is mature it sends estrogen back to the brain, which causes the brain to stop sending FSH.  The problem is my body has too much estrogen, so my brain stops sending the FSH before the egg is fully mature.

The first step will be chlomid, which is an anti-estrogen hormone.  Hopefully my brain will then send enough FSH to mature an egg.  If it doesn't, we'll raise the chlomid amounts until a certain point.  After that, we'll start injections of FSH in addition to the chlomid.  After that we stop the chlomid and do larger amounts of FSH.  I really hope we don't get to that point because I absolutely hate needles.  And these are shots you have to give yourself basically in the stomach.  I can't even watch when I have blood taken, so this is not going to be fun.  Hopefully the chlomid works and we don't even have to go there.

To be honest, I was hoping that the surgery I had as a teenager (a vaginal septum which is apparently a third unrelated issue) had already fixed the issue and the radiologist had just seen the remnants.  And, ideally and somewhat unrealistically, I was hoping he would see that I was pregnant with the ultrasound.  Obviously that didn't happen or this would be a very different post.  

Stephen keeps reminding me that this was good news, and I suppose it is, I just had higher hopes.  But the prognosis is good and hopefully we'll be pregnant by Christmas.  And not with quintuplets (instances of multiples increase with the hormones....).  From wondering if we'll ever have kids to Stephen's instant basketball team.  And a reality tv show.  :-)

Sugar, dun dun dun dun dun, Oh Honey Honey

Just wanted to post a little bit of an update.  After my initial post about the bicornuate and PCOS stuff, I got a lot of really nice comments and emails.  People sharing stories about their own lives that I hadn't known, or just offering encouragement or advice.  One of those people, I will call her T because I haven't asked her permission to put her name on here, has a kind of complicated family connection to me and I haven't seen her more than once or twice since I was young.  I knew she was a nurse, but it turns out she is a nurse at the Kaiser fertility specialist center that we were going to go to.  She gave her phone number and we talked for a good 45 minutes.

She recommended a doctor and explained a lot of stuff about bicornuate uteruses (uteri?) and PCOS and was very encouraging that while we definitely don't have an easy road, having children is very possible.  I hadn't actually verbally talked to a doctor about the bicornuate uterus stuff, or really even about the PCOS.  I've known I had PCOS since I was in high school, but the symptoms I could see and feel (weird cycles, etc), were treated by birth control.  I didn't realize there are other symptoms, like insulin resistance, that aren't always treated by the hormones in the birth control.

I've been reading a lot about insulin resistance, because I know losing weight will help.  I've actually lost about 6 and half percent of my body weight since February, when some friends at school and I did a mini Biggest Loser competition.  But losing weight has always been hard for me.  There were weeks when I would eat well (and stay within points for Weight Watchers or calories depending on what I was counting at the time), I didn't cheat with anything, and I exercised 4 or 5 times in the week, but then I would stay the same or even gain weight.  And then weeks were I didn't do so great and I would lose weight.

T told me that women with PCOS very often have insulin resistance and therefore weight loss is incredibly difficult.  Do-able, but much more difficult that people with normal body chemistry.  From what I've been reading, my body stores sugars a lot more than it should. So things that I thought were healthy, like fruit, were stored more than they should of been.  The healthy fats and healthy carbs actually help break down the sugars.  So going low fat and low carb, but high sugar (even natural sugar, which I'd never paid attention to) actually made my body store more.  So I'm going to try adjusting my diet to a more diabetic-type diet and hopefully I'll lose some weight!

I read into some things that are supposed to help with insulin resistance, but I'm also balancing the hope that I might be pregnant.  Everything I looked into, like cinnamon pills and apple cider vinegar, either wasn't safe if you are pregnant or the complications with pregnancy were unknown.  I know I can't wrap myself in bubble wrap, but I feel like I should be doing everything in my power to stay pregnant once I get pregnant.  It's been so hard to get pregnant, I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize it.  I haven't had caffeine in months and basically being careful about what I eat and do in case I am pregnant.

I've also been reading a lot of PCOS specific diets.  Many of them recommend eating organic whenever possible, especially meats and dairy.  Organic meat means there's no added hormones (and same with dairy stuff).  My body can't even handle my own hormones, so I guess it makes sense that I shouldn't add additional hormones that don't belong.  The cost is very frustrating (especially for a couponer and deal finder like me), but if it helps us get pregnant, it's worth it.

In the meantime, T has been amazing (or a-maw-zing as Penny on Happy Endings would say) at helping me get an appointment scheduled and I have one for Thursday (happy birthday to me!).  Hopefully we can find something out other than "could be bicornuate, could be septate, we can't rule anything out."

Letting Go

A bicornuate "heart shaped" uterus.  Not mine, though. 

Those of you who know me know that I like to have control.  I like to have things planned out, whether I'm at school or we're traveling or wherever I am.  I've known I have polycystic ovarian syndrome a long time, but it was always treatable with the birth control pill.  Which is slightly counterproductive when trying to get pregnant.  I've learned about some treatments for PCOS that aren't birth control, so that's a future possibility.  But the bicornuate uterus, and not knowing how bad it is or whether they've even diagnosed me correctly, has been really hard for me.  The waiting is really hard.

In my head I know that God is in control and this must be happening for a reason.  But it's so hard to see what possible good could come from this struggle.  When I watch some of the kids in my class whose parents don't give a rip about them, or hear some of the things my kids are told by their parents, it just doesn't make sense.  Why would God give these people a child that they didn't want and don't care about, but not me and Stephen who would adore a child and be great parents?

In my head I knew I was going to have to let go.  But I wasn't.  And I didn't want to.  And to be honest, I didn't think I could.  How could I say I don't want to be pregnant?  That whatever God had planned for me, even if it meant no children, would be okay.  It would be a lie.  I want children.  I want to be pregnant.  What if I told God I was "okay" with his plan and he took me seriously?  (As if I could hide what I truly felt from God, but strange things go through your mind when you're in a funk.)  What if this was a test to see if I could "let go" and God knew I was faking it?  It was much easier to thank everyone for their prayers and move on.  So I sort of pretended and went along with life.

Then last Saturday I went to a women's tea with my mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and my grandma-in-law.  (lots of in-laws, but I am blessed with both a biological family and an in-law family that I actually enjoy being around).  I was looking forward to it and it was really nice.  There was a speaker, and her her mother, who talked for a while.  I wasn't expecting to get much out of it, being a mother's day event, but I listened.

It's amazing how the things she talked about didn't necessarily all apply to me, but God was still able to speak to me in a real way.  I wasn't running from God and turning to drugs and alcohol, but I was definitely running from God.  She talked about Romans 8:28, which says "we know in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him."  Good little Christians throw out this happy verse a lot, but it often rings hollow when your in the middle of the bad things.

She talked about how easy it is to "play" church when things are going well.  How often do you remember to pray or read your Bible when things are hunky dory?  Not nearly as often as when things are sucky.  So maybe this waiting is just to bring me closer to God.  To start praying more regularly, and reading my Bible, both of which need a great deal of improvement if I'm being completely honest.

So on the way home (this had been in Lodi/Stockton), God and I had a talk.  Well I cried, but I also talked.  I told Him that I don't know how to let go of this.  That I don't know how to not want to be pregnant, or how to be happy if His answer for our prayers is no.  But I am willing to ask for His help to make what He wants my desire.  You may not believe in God, but I do, and I chose to believe that He will work everything out.  Am I okay with not being pregnant?  Not exactly.  It still hurts, I still want to be pregnant, and I'm still going to continue to pray that it will happen and do everything I can medically to help it happen.  But I don't feel the same hopeless and helpless feeling that I had before.  I know I'm going to have to "let go" over and over, but at least I'm walking in the right direction now.

I felt reminded of how truly blessed I am and how many wonderful people love me.  I have a biological family and a family by marriage who love us and are praying.  My church is like another family that doesn't pretend like everything is easy and is standing with us and praying for us.  I have friends who love me and are praying for me.  I am blessed.  And whether I get pregnant, or we decide to adopt, or both, I am not alone.

Lastly, I wanted to share the chorus of a song that has really been a big impact on my life since all of this started.  It caught me off guard because I've had the CD for a while and knew this song, but when this song came up on my shuffle while grading I actually stopped and cried.  (I cry a lot lately, I blame the hormone imbalance).  Anyway, it's called "Something More" by Francesca Battistelli and the chorus says:

God, it's so hard living with a longing heart
Everything I think I need feels so strangely out of reach
So God help me now to understand that this may be how
You show me I was made for something more

Go check it out here: http://youtu.be/kv-2SUruayk

I hope if you're going through something, whether similar or completely different, that this encourages you.  I can honestly tell you that no matter where you're at and whether you feel Him or not, God is right there with you.  Why not give Him a chance? 

When are you having kids?.......

When are you having kids?  It's a question that all newlywed couples are asked countless times, and a question that becomes more pressing as you've been married longer.  It's also a question that has begun to cause a knot in my stomach.

The only posts I've written up to this point have been about traveling.  They've all been pretty surface level, stuff I would tell a stranger on the street.  I've decided to take things a little more personal, although it's still stuff I would talk to to most people (but perhaps not a stranger).  The reason I decided to do this is partly related to that question,"when are you having kids?".  Instead of having to explain the situation to everyone individually, I know some people will read it here.  Also, I haven't seen many blogs about this stuff, so maybe it will help other people or help connect me to people going through the same thing.

First, some background.  Stephen and I got married 5 years ago, and I had a "5 year plan" at the time.  A year and a half to finish my BA and get my credential.  2 years to get tenured.  And a year and half to travel (in particular, a Europe trip).  If you know us at all, you know we've now checked all those things off.  Then I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby in March so I (as a teacher) can go on maternity leave around spring break and then have the whole summer before I go back to work.  So about a year ago, we started trying.  No luck.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a fairly common thing (5-10%) for women.

*If "ovarian" freaks you out, stop reading here.  Fair warning.*

For me, the biggest issue with the PCOS is a totally random menstrual cycle.  Pretty much, I skip a period every other month.  Which is awesome in general because periods suck, but no bueno when you're trying to get pregnant.  No period = no ovulation = no baby.  And having an irregular cycle means when I do ovulate, it could be anywhere in a 50-60 day period of time.

I knew I had PCOS (since high school), so my OBGYN told me after we tried for a year, she would refer me to a fertility specialist.  So she did.  They sent the paperwork, including the cost sheet.  Right now we waive Stephen's health insurance and use mine, which only covers 50% of fertility treatment.  Basically this means the initial visit and tests would cost us around $600.  With Stephen's health insurance, we only pay a $15 co-pay.  But we can't change insurances until my open enrollment effective date (July 1st).  So we wait.

In the meantime, my OBGYN offered to run some tests on her end, including an ultrasound.  At the ultrasound, they found that it looked like I had a bicornuate uterus.  Known as a "heart shaped" uterus, that's exactly what it is.  It's pretty rare, only effecting .1 - .5% of women.  Figures.  From what I've read, it doesn't really effect you when you're trying to get pregnant (that's just my PCOS).  But it does mean that if/when I get pregnant, it will be high risk.  There is a much higher chance of pre term labor, or second and third trimester miscarriages.  Depending on where the baby implants, if it grows into the lobe of the heart, the uterus doesn't expand and it will kill the baby.

We did an MRI a few weeks ago, hoping to get more information.  But the only answers we got were that they confirmed I had a bicornuate uterus and they weren't able to tell if there was a septum or not (a division inside the uterus).  Basically no more information than the ultrasound had given.  So $50, a relatively stressful 20 minutes in an incredibly loud machine, and no more answers.

I am trying hard to remember that God's plans are better than mine.  But I am a planner and I like when things go as planned.  So this is very difficult for me.  Stephen remains positive and optimistic, and I am trying hard to do so as well.

So in answer to the "when are you having kids" question: hopefully soon, but we don't know.

New York: Part 2

This is the view from right outside Matthew's door.
That green, yellow, and pink building in the right center is
the Empire State Building (Easter colors)

On Friday morning we headed out bright and early to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferry.  I had made 8:00 reservations for the four of us (Stephen, Matthew, Daniel, and me), but Daniel ended up sick and couldn't go.  It was really hard to get up that early in the morning, but after seeing the line when we got back at noon, I definitely recommend getting up early.

When we got to Battery Park, Stephen realized he had his pocket knife.  The security is similar to an airport security so I slyly (or perhaps not as slyly as I think) dropped the knife into a bush.  We figured if we tried to take it through security, it would definitely be taken away.  By leaving it in the bush, hopefully no one would see it.  :-)

Us on the ferry

The Statue of Liberty was closed for renovation, so we couldn't actually go inside.  So we didn't even get off the ferry, just rode the ferry past her twice.  She was much smaller than I pictured.

Lady Liberty 

Matthew, me, Stephen, and the Statue of Liberty
poking over Stephen's head

I wanted to go through the Ellis Island Museum, so we got off at the next ferry stop.  My ancestry has been traced back to Ellis Island, so it was pretty cool to think that someone from my family had come through those doors.  I also thought it was fitting to come through this museum because I went to the immigration museum in Cobh, Ireland, which was the last stop for many of the boats before coming to Ellis Island.  So I'd been on the starting end, I figured I should see the end as well.

The baggage room.  The audio tour (pretty good) said workers
could recognize where an immigrant was from based on the
type of luggage they were carrying.

The room where initial inspections were done.

I learned some things about Ellis Island with the audio tour and exhibits.  For one, I thought Ellis Island was mostly a sad place, where families were separated and people were rejected.  And that did happen.  But there was also a hospital, where an immigrant was sent if they had an ailment that would heal.  They weren't just sent away and rejected, they were taken care of until they were well enough to enter America.  Most people passed through Ellis Island quickly and without much issue.

Manhattan from the ferry.  You can see the 911 Memorial
building being built (the tallest building you can see)

And Stephen's pocket knife was still in the bush.  :-)

We went back to take a nap after our early morning.  At this point Stephen started to get sicker and sicker with a stomach flu bug.  He threw up before we left, but wasn't going to miss the 911 Memorial.  You have to make reservations ahead of time, so there was no other chance for us to go.  He even threw up on the subway (on the platform) on our way there, but he was insistent that he was going.  He said there were enough trash cans in New York City, he wasn't going to miss the memorial.  So off we went.

Trinity Church off Wall Street

There is, as expected, a ton of security surrounding the memorial.  After going through all of it, having our ID's checked several times, and several other checks to make sure we'd gone through security, we entered a big open area.  The two waterfalls are in the footprints of the World Trade Center buildings, so they are a little farther apart than I expected.  (not that far, but not right next to each other).  It is a very peaceful and somber place.  The names around the outside are separated by building, company, first responders, or plane.  Family members were allowed to request certain names to be next to each other.  Some are next to friends, some family.  Because many of the people who died talked to loved ones after the attacks happened, there are even some names next to each other because of what they went through on 9/11.  People who had never met before, but came together to help one another.  

 

Memorial building still under construction

 

Inside the museum that is still under construction.
You can see tridents that were part of the facade
of one of the buildings.

The Survivor Tree

This tree was in the plaza and survived the destruction of 9/11.  It wasn't found until October 2011, and was badly damaged.  It was nursed back to health and then survived being uprooted in a storm and Hurricane Irene.  It's a symbol of perseverance for the many survivors of 9/11.

We stayed until dark, and the fountains were beautiful with all the lights on.  I want to go back when the museum is open someday.

After leaving Stephen back in Matthew's room, Matthew, Daniel and I headed for Chinatown for some Chinese food.  I wasn't entirely impressed by the food, but maybe I'm just spoiled living near San Francisco and having authentic Chinese places around here.

The next day we were flying out at 5:30 pm, which left us a little time in the morning.  I had wanted to try a bagel place called Ess-a-Bagel.  After finally finding it, we found out it was closed for Passover.  I did get a bagel that morning though, and it was pretty good :-).  We headed to Grand Central Station to see the new (ish) Apple Store there.  If you look closely in the left center of the picture below, you can see a white Apple light.  That platform above it where the people are standing is the Apple store.

 

 

You can see the blue shirts of the employees.

Grand Central Station.  From the Apple Store.

We ended up going back to Times Square to get an M and M's bag.  I left the first one in the Apple Store on 5th Avenue.  In 2004, my family, the Webers, and Stephen went to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon on vacation.  While there, my parents got an M and M store bag (it's like a gift bag).  They still have that bag and use it all the time to take lunches to school (they're both teachers).  It's getting pretty old and is pretty beat up, so I figured it was time for a new one :-).

After that we picked up our luggage, took the subway to Penn Station and a train out to Newark.  We got to the airport a little late (only an hour and a half before take off, instead of the recommended two), because of weekend routes and construction closures on the subway.  Not that it mattered because the plane was delayed for an hour.  Then we circled over San Francisco until we were cleared for landing (about a half hour).  And then our shuttle was half an hour late.  So by the time we got to our car in San Francisco, we should have been home.  We ended up getting home around 1:30am, so a tough end to a long week.

I enjoyed New York and I'm willing to back, but it wasn't my favorite vacation ever.  For those who don't know me well, I am a planner.  Like a crazy planner.  I enjoy it, and then I don't feel like I missed out on anything.  Stephen says that this trip was God teaching me to let go of my plans sometimes.  There were definitely some rough, not fun times.  We both got sick, we were trying to coordinate schedules with Matthew and Daniel, and things just didn't all work out like I'd wanted it to.  But we made it, pretty much did everything I had wanted to, and I think I learned a little about letting go of plans.  But I didn't like it.

New York: Part 1

Our most recent trip was to New York City, New York over spring break (the first week of April).  I'm a little behind blogging our trips, perhaps I'll catch up after school is out :-).  But New York is still fresh in my mind, and I like to write these while I remember the little details.

We used airline miles to pay for the tickets, so we flew out of San Francisco on a direct flight to Newark.  On a side note, if you ever need to do a Park and Fly package out of SFO, we have really liked the Vagabond Inn Executive Hotel in Burlingame.  Free shuttle to the airport, free breakfast (oatmeal, yogurt, bagels, waffles, juices, etc).  Parking package much cheaper than SFO parking.  We ended up flying into Newark around 5:30.  A few days before, there had been a Groupon for a car service from any New York airport to anywhere in Manhattan, so we had a car waiting for us.  Which was pretty awesome.  It ended up about $10 more than it would have been for both of us to take the train in.  Score #1.

We stayed in a rented room we found off of airbnb.com.  I was a little nervous about this, but there were a lot of reviews and all of them were very good.  It ended up being an awesome deal.  $80 a night, a few blocks south of Central Park.  The Comfort Inn by Chinatown is $210 a night, just for reference.  Here's a picture of the room (there's a bookshelf and table to the left, a closet and the door behind where I was standing).  

We shared a bathroom with the owner, but it was very clean.  We never saw him, except the day we got there and he gave us keys.

We went to the famous Halal Guys halal cart (basically chopped up meat, rice, a pita, and some sort of sauce all in a pie tin.  Very tasty) and met Matthew and Daniel, Stephen's brothers, there.  From the halal cart we headed down to Jack Demsey's, the New York home of the Kentucky Wildcats to watch the national championship.  Stephen is, and always has been, a huge Kentucky fan, so this was very exciting.

It was absolutely packed.  After walking around for a while looking for a table, I asked a guy and a couple who were sitting at two booths that were connect if we could join them (they weren't together and there were a bunch of seats between them).  They said sure, so we were lucky enough to get seats.  The couple is actually from Lexington, KY, and I believe the older guy was an alum.  That's his white hat in the picture below.  Every basket or steal lead to huge cheers from everyone and bad calls were universally boo'd.

Matthew, Stephen, and Daniel at the entrance

The next morning we slept in a little (we were still on Pacific time), and headed to Central Park around 10.  We walked from our room, stopping to get a famous NY bagel :-).  It didn't seem that special to me, but I love a good bagel and cream cheese, so it was still good.  We had an app that made it very easy to tour Central Park, highly recommend it if you're going.

Bethesda Fountain, they were filming a pilot for a new show while we were there, so we ended up being shooed away.

Literacy Walk

Beautiful day!

Looking through one of the bridge's flower decoration

Turtles sunning themselves in the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Resovoir

It would be very easy to get lost in this, the Ramble I think it was called.

From there we headed back to our room and changed to get ready for the David Letterman show.  We had gotten a call the week before (after requesting tickets in January), and they asked Stephen a trivia question (which he got right), so we got free tickets.  

We ended up sitting on the floor level about 10 rows back from the stage.  It is pretty surreal to see the stage that you've seen so many times on t.v. in real life.  We got a long speech to get us ready, were they told us to "laugh now, think about it later" and not to do a "woo."  I didn't realize how much I did "woo" when I meant to be cheering.  I had never thought of myself as a woo girl before, perhaps I should work on that.  The show was ok, funnier in person than it usually is on t.v., but it was the experience we were going for anyway.

Afterwards, we hopped on a bus down to Times Square, had some dinner at Tratteria Trecoli (good Italian), and went to our Broadway show.  We saw Best Man, a political show that just opened.  We were going more for the cast than the show itself.  In the end, the play was pretty good and the cast was outstanding.  Take a look at the cast list below:

Not only was the cast amazing, but we were literally in the very front row, in the very center.  By theater standards these are "bad" seats because you have to look up a little onto the stage.  But I could've touched Angela Lansberry or James Earl Jones or Candice Bergen without even standing up.  Several times.  But then I would be kicked out.  So it wouldn't have been worth it.  Candice Bergen did make eye contact with me though!  At least I think she did.  Every time a new character was introduced, Stephen and I looked at each other like "can you believe this??"  These are people I've grown up seeing in movies and on tv, and there they were in person!  Pretty incredible.

Not too shabby for our first full day in New York :-).

The next day we moved all our stuff to Matthew's dorm room (where we were going to be staying the next three nights).  We moseyed around a little and then Stephen and I headed for the Museum of Natural History.  It made me want to watch Night at the Museum :-).  

This is what a mosquito looks like magnified.  Can I just say, ew.

GIANT blue whale

We headed back through Central Park to catch the last few sights we hadn't seen the day before (we ran out of time because we had to get to the David Letterman show).  Plus, I wanted to eat a hot dog from a food cart in Central Park.  Seems like something you can do while in New York.  So we got our hot dog (and roasted peanuts, also good), and headed to the Imagine memorial.

From here you can see the apartment where John Lennon lived (and Yoko Ono still does) and was killed.  There's a "docent" who gives a little history lesson every once in a while.  We sat near here on a bench and ate our hot dog while we waited for Matthew and Daniel.

We tried to go see the carousel, but it's closed for renovation.  And by renovation, I mean all the horses are off and they've stripped the base down to the wood.  Oh well, next time.  

We took the subway to 5th Avenue and walked down 5th Avenue.  Stephen wanted to get a book from the Barnes and Noble.  

Rockefeller Tower

St. Patrick's Cathedral

Then we headed for the Empire State Building.  Matthew is going to King's College, a Christian University in the Empire State Building.  As a "tenant," not only did he get half price tickets, he also got to skip every single line.  Every single line.  If you've ever been up to the top of the Empire State Building, you know this is a big deal.  We were like VIP's.  Whenever anyone saw our tickets, they would say "oh, you're a tenant, right this way" and let us pass everyone.  I always hate those people when I'm in line.  But it's pretty awesome to be those people.  We got up there right before sunset.  Here's some views:

Stephen messing with Matthew or Daniel looking through the binoculars

After that we headed for Katz's Deli.  I didn't know anything about it and Matthew didn't make it seem like anything special.  But it's the deli in When Harry Met Sally and is famous for it's pastrami.  I had half a pastrami sandwich and matzo ball soup.  It was very good.

 At this point, I realized I had a bladder infection.  For any male reading this, or any female who has never had one, let me tell you, it sucks.  Like majorly.  I called Kaiser and they were able to write a prescription and send it to Walgreens in Vallejo (apparently that's where the call center was).  Once it was in Walgreen's system, we could pick it up anywhere.  But then the Walgreens we were going to ended up be a 24 hour store but not a 24 hour pharmacy.  We were staying with Matthew in his dorm room, and he shares a jack and jill bathroom with his roommate.  And 19 year old college boys are not known for clean bathrooms, either.  (No offense Matthew!)  With a bladder infection, I was desperate for my own bathroom.  We ended up walking to a nearby hotel and staying there for the night.  And then took a taxi to a Walgreen's that had a 24 hour pharmacy.  We slept until 11:30 the next day, so we didn't quite get to everything I'd hoped we would.

The next morning we couldn't get back into Matthew's building until he got back from his classes, so even after sleeping in we had to stop at a coffee shop.  It ended up being a really great little shop called Berkli Parc, and it's owner actually went to UC Berkeley.  I had a breakfast sandwich and a tea, Stephen had a flavored coffee, and they were all really great.

After leaving our stuff in Matthew's dorm, we headed for Times Square.  

The ferris wheel inside Toys R Us.  Yes, inside.

The "cars" of the ferris wheel.

Inside the M and M's store

Matthew and us in Times Square

We hopped on the subway and headed for the flatiron building.

In Madison Square Park there's a place called the Shake Shack that's famous for it's cheeseburgers and shakes.  The cheeseburgers were kind of like In n Out, but the buns were better.  The shake was probably the best I've ever had, though.  I had the caramel one, it was amazing.

Madison Square Park and the Shake Shack

Then we got back on the subway and headed up to 5th Avenue and the Apple Store.  Some people travel around to all the baseball fields or national parks.  We hit Apple stores.  We've now been to the Apple store in the Louvre shopping area in Paris, Covent Garden and Regent Street in London, San Francisco, Cupertino, and the Apple Store on 5th Avenue (we did go to the Grand Central Station one, too, that will come later).

Standing under the stairs looking up

Stephen, Matthew, and Daniel

Brothers!

Mirror room in FAO Schwartz

Giant peeps (stuffed animals)

The ceiling of the mirror room in FAO Schwartz

That night for dinner we went over to Brooklyn and had pizza at Grimaldi's, which is literally underneath the Brooklyn Bridge.  The pizza was good, made with a coal heated brick oven that we could see really well from our table.  I had wanted to walk across the bridge at some point, but it was dark and cold and we were all tired.  We never did get back to do that, but maybe we will someday.