Letting Go

A bicornuate "heart shaped" uterus.  Not mine, though. 

Those of you who know me know that I like to have control.  I like to have things planned out, whether I'm at school or we're traveling or wherever I am.  I've known I have polycystic ovarian syndrome a long time, but it was always treatable with the birth control pill.  Which is slightly counterproductive when trying to get pregnant.  I've learned about some treatments for PCOS that aren't birth control, so that's a future possibility.  But the bicornuate uterus, and not knowing how bad it is or whether they've even diagnosed me correctly, has been really hard for me.  The waiting is really hard.

In my head I know that God is in control and this must be happening for a reason.  But it's so hard to see what possible good could come from this struggle.  When I watch some of the kids in my class whose parents don't give a rip about them, or hear some of the things my kids are told by their parents, it just doesn't make sense.  Why would God give these people a child that they didn't want and don't care about, but not me and Stephen who would adore a child and be great parents?

In my head I knew I was going to have to let go.  But I wasn't.  And I didn't want to.  And to be honest, I didn't think I could.  How could I say I don't want to be pregnant?  That whatever God had planned for me, even if it meant no children, would be okay.  It would be a lie.  I want children.  I want to be pregnant.  What if I told God I was "okay" with his plan and he took me seriously?  (As if I could hide what I truly felt from God, but strange things go through your mind when you're in a funk.)  What if this was a test to see if I could "let go" and God knew I was faking it?  It was much easier to thank everyone for their prayers and move on.  So I sort of pretended and went along with life.

Then last Saturday I went to a women's tea with my mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and my grandma-in-law.  (lots of in-laws, but I am blessed with both a biological family and an in-law family that I actually enjoy being around).  I was looking forward to it and it was really nice.  There was a speaker, and her her mother, who talked for a while.  I wasn't expecting to get much out of it, being a mother's day event, but I listened.

It's amazing how the things she talked about didn't necessarily all apply to me, but God was still able to speak to me in a real way.  I wasn't running from God and turning to drugs and alcohol, but I was definitely running from God.  She talked about Romans 8:28, which says "we know in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him."  Good little Christians throw out this happy verse a lot, but it often rings hollow when your in the middle of the bad things.

She talked about how easy it is to "play" church when things are going well.  How often do you remember to pray or read your Bible when things are hunky dory?  Not nearly as often as when things are sucky.  So maybe this waiting is just to bring me closer to God.  To start praying more regularly, and reading my Bible, both of which need a great deal of improvement if I'm being completely honest.

So on the way home (this had been in Lodi/Stockton), God and I had a talk.  Well I cried, but I also talked.  I told Him that I don't know how to let go of this.  That I don't know how to not want to be pregnant, or how to be happy if His answer for our prayers is no.  But I am willing to ask for His help to make what He wants my desire.  You may not believe in God, but I do, and I chose to believe that He will work everything out.  Am I okay with not being pregnant?  Not exactly.  It still hurts, I still want to be pregnant, and I'm still going to continue to pray that it will happen and do everything I can medically to help it happen.  But I don't feel the same hopeless and helpless feeling that I had before.  I know I'm going to have to "let go" over and over, but at least I'm walking in the right direction now.

I felt reminded of how truly blessed I am and how many wonderful people love me.  I have a biological family and a family by marriage who love us and are praying.  My church is like another family that doesn't pretend like everything is easy and is standing with us and praying for us.  I have friends who love me and are praying for me.  I am blessed.  And whether I get pregnant, or we decide to adopt, or both, I am not alone.

Lastly, I wanted to share the chorus of a song that has really been a big impact on my life since all of this started.  It caught me off guard because I've had the CD for a while and knew this song, but when this song came up on my shuffle while grading I actually stopped and cried.  (I cry a lot lately, I blame the hormone imbalance).  Anyway, it's called "Something More" by Francesca Battistelli and the chorus says:

God, it's so hard living with a longing heart
Everything I think I need feels so strangely out of reach
So God help me now to understand that this may be how
You show me I was made for something more

Go check it out here: http://youtu.be/kv-2SUruayk

I hope if you're going through something, whether similar or completely different, that this encourages you.  I can honestly tell you that no matter where you're at and whether you feel Him or not, God is right there with you.  Why not give Him a chance?