3 months down, 6 to go! It already feels like it's been forever. For. ev. er. People keep saying that things will go quickly, but I sure am not seeing or feeling it. This week was very emotional for me, both good and bad.
The due date of the baby we lost was February 3rd. It was Superbowl Sunday and with the 49ers in the Superbowl (and my husband a die hard 49er fan), it was a busy day with lots of people and food. No one said anything about the due date and I wasn't sure anyone remembered at all. I was distracted and did okay. Until Monday morning at school. Sitting at my desk in the morning getting ready for the day, I feel apart. Like crying hard. I had about 45 minutes before students were coming, so I pretty much got it together. An email from my mom made me tear up during class, but if any kids noticed, they didn't say anything.
After school that day, we had an ultrasound. We decided to do the prenatal screening where they do blood tests and an ultrasound to scan for chromosomal abnormalities. We opted not to do the amniocentesis because we are not at high risk for chromosomal abnormalities and any risk of miscarriage is just not worth it. The blood test was more vials than I have ever seen taken at one time, but I suppose it's still less than when I give blood.
The ultrasound was actually at a prenatal testing facility because Kaiser didn't have any appointments available. It was a very nice facility and the woman was very skilled and fast with the ultrasound machine. She measured legs, arms, brain, spine, and a bunch of stuff I don't remember. It was pretty funny to have her press on my stomach to try to get the baby to move. Then she had me get up, walk around, and drink water to try to make the baby move to whatever position she needed. I guess it worked because she seemed to get what she needed. And all the results were good.
After the appointment we went over to the mall and I bought my first maternity outfit, a bathing suit, so I'm ready for our babymoon cruise. But this was still the same day I'd cried hard early in the day, and I later fell apart again that night. I felt guilty because I was so sad, even though we'd just seen a healthy baby on the ultrasound and were announcing it on Facebook this week. It doesn't replace the baby we lost, nor should it, but I so desperately wanted to be happy and just wasn't. I think I just needed to mourn and be okay with that. I had known it would be a tough day (the due date), but I hadn't expected a tough week. I thought once I got through the day I was good to go. I am still sad on the one hand, but it is getting easier to focus on the happiness.
We announced the pregnancy on facebook using this picture:
We had searched EVERYWHERE for baby 49er gear and could find nothing. My sister actually made the onesie using glitter markers on a red onesie, and an old friend from high school had the 49er baby booties that I'm holding.
I actually used the picture to announce it to my staff and students, too. Some of my students didn't really get it, but a couple always did (usually girls). They were all very excited and wanted to know if it's a boy or girl (don't know yet) and what the name is. My principal and some teachers decided William Dennis or Dennis William (my principal and a teacher) were apparently perfect names. I suppose this is just the beginning of the name suggestions?
Rounding out the roller coaster of the week, my grandpa had died one year ago Thursday. I miss him a lot and I miss the influence he had on our family. I know I'll see him again someday, but it doesn't make the current time any easier.
So you can see this week was full of emotional highs and lows. I'm trying to work my way through a devotional on my Bible app. But when I'm at a real low, I usually just end up sitting and thinking, or more likely, crying. I don't claim to understand to know why I'm announcing a pregnancy at the time I expected to be holding a baby, and I definitely don't think I'm "okay" with it, but I don't feel so angry at God anymore. I probably won't understand it until I can ask Him face to face and it has become less encompassing of my life. For those of you going through miscarriage or infertility, no one can truly understand how you feel and it is not something that can be explained. But I hope you find encouragement in knowing that there are good days that go along with the bad. And at some point, the good days seem to outnumber the bad.
