Confidence Makes All the Difference

So we are feeling much better about the surgery after going to the doctor today.  We met the doctor who's going to do the surgery and he was very nice, very reassuring, and perhaps best of all, very confident.  He did the ultrasound for the sole purpose of helping us be comfortable with our decision.

Right away he said stuff was beginning to happen in my uterus, and even we could see a difference.  At the 6 week ultrasound (when the baby was still alive), there was a dark circle that would eventually have become the placenta.  At the 8 week ultrasound (2 weeks after the baby stopped growing), it was more of an oval.  Today, what should've been 10 weeks, it was misshapen, like a deflating balloon.  He said that was the beginning of the miscarriage.

He also showed us the fetal pole and how it measured 6 weeks and 4 days.  Then he showed us how big it should have been at 7 weeks (twice it's size), 8 weeks, and when I said I should be 10 weeks, he showed us how big it should be.  He said at that point it's a baby, very clear and easy to see.  All we could see was a little stick looking thing (he was pretty sure it was the fetal pole).  It was actually more difficult to see the baby on this ultrasound than the 8 week one, so it is very obvious, even to Stephen and I who cannot read ultrasounds, that there is no chance that this baby could be alive.

He said he couldn't tell for sure if the baby had implanted on the septum.  He said it was in the left half, and it looked like it was on the side, but he couldn't be sure.  He said we should still do the septum surgery, which we were going to do anyway.  I guess some people would say if it wasn't a problem this time, why do another surgery.  But for us, anything we can do to improve our chances is worth it.  It means we have to wait 3 - 4 months before we can start trying again, though.  6 - 8 weeks recovery from the D&C before the septum surgery, then 1 or 2 menstrual cycles recovery before trying again.  This means a late summer, fall, or winter baby, which is definitely not what I had planned, but at this point it doesn't seem as big of a deal.

The doctor offered us a card for a counselor, went through everything that's going to happen tomorrow, and spent some time just talking to us.  I have felt strangely okay all day.  Maybe this is God's way of showing me this is the right decision.  And the upside of not being pregnant and not being able to try to get pregnant is now I can drink caffeine and eat sushi.  I'm not a huge alcohol fan, but I could drink if I wanted to.  And I can get healthier and more in shape, which will hopefully lead to an easier pregnancy.    

Update on the miscarriage

It seems like most people are afraid to ask for updates, so I figured it would be good to post about it on here.  I know there's a lot of people reading it.  And for those of you who sent emails, whether or not I responded, I appreciate your kind words and prayers.

It's been 10 days since we found out there was no heartbeat, 3 and a half weeks (24 days) since the baby stopped growing.  And I'm still queasy, still tired, and still can't stand the sight, thought, or smell of eggs or ham.  Pretty much exactly the same as when I was pregnant.  No spotting whatsoever.  Some cramping, but I've had that for over 2 weeks.

We did two blood tests last week and while my HCG levels are high, they are decreasing.  And while HCG levels do decrease in the 9-11th week, they should be higher before they decrease.  So that pretty much seals the deal.  Even if the doctor, the ultrasound tech, and the radiologist were all wrong, my hormones don't lie.

We're going to do one more ultrasound tomorrow, just for peace of mind.  And we have the D&C scheduled for Monday morning.  It's with one of the fertility specialist doctors, so I feel confident in his knowledge of my weird uterus.  The other doctor said several times in our conversation that the septate uterus shouldn't be a problem, wouldn't be a problem during the D&C.  I got the feeling she was convincing herself just as much as convincing us.  Granted, our only interactions with her have been negative and being told that this baby we were dreaming about was no longer alive.  So we may be a little biased against her.

I am not feeling overly confident in the decision to do a D&C.  I know there is not really any chance that this baby is still alive, but what if...  The D&C spares me the physical pain of a miscarriage, and the possibly long period of bleeding afterward.  It means we can schedule the surgery to remove the septum sooner.  And it means we can start moving on and really healing emotionally.  We had the initial shock and sadness, but now we're just waiting.  Checking every time I go to the bathroom.  Praying that the cramping gets worse so it can just be over.  But everyday it's just more nausea, exhaustion, and cramping.

I am not getting a clear answer from God, either.  I do know He's with me.  I have one friend who I haven't seen in a while who we happened to run into and tell we were pregnant.  I texted her and told her when we lost the baby.  She is one of the strongest women of God I know; when she says she'll pray for you, things happen.  It the darkest moments, after the radiologist confirmed no heartbeat and after the initial decision to not do the D&C right away, she texted me.  The first was just to say I was on her heart, and the second time that she was later.  Both came within 5 minutes of getting the news.  It was like God using her to remind me that He sees me and I am not alone.

Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (NIV) and "The Lord Himself will fight for you.  Just stay calm" (NLT) have popped up in my life multiple times.  It was in a "worry" Bible study I started on YouVersion after I found out I was pregnant (I was worried from the beginning).  A friend sent it to me in an email.  And I've seen it on Pinterest of all places.  It's pretty much where I'm at right now.  I don't have the emotional or physical fight in me, my only option is to be still.  I tend to withdraw when I'm upset, or angry, or sad....pretty much all the time.  Given fight or flight I choose flight everyday and twice on Sundays.  All I can do right now is be still, and that's ok for now.

Waiting to Miscarry

So I haven't posted anything in a while because I was hoping my next post would be an "I'm pregnant!!" post.  We found out about 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant.  Did the home pregnancy test, it was positive.  Did the blood test, it was positive.  Did an ultrasound because I was spotting a little, it was positive and the doctor thought she could see a heartbeat but we couldn't hear it.  But that is normal for around 6 weeks (which is what I was).  We did another blood test 2 days later and my HCG hormone more than doubled, which was a good sign.  We told immediate family and a few friends, but were waiting until our 8 week ultrasound to confirm the baby had grown before telling everyone.

I spent the two weeks beyond thrilled that I was queasy and had strong aversions to certain foods.  It's not fun to be queasy, but I so desperately wanted to be pregnant that any sign of pregnancy was exciting and welcomed.  We knew we were high risk, but still hoped.

At the 8 week ultrasound the doctor was quiet for a while, looking for the heartbeat.  Then she told us she couldn't find one.  And the measurement was 6 weeks 3 days, when it should've been 8 weeks and 2 days.  When we'd gone in 2 weeks earlier it had been 6 weeks 1 day.  She said they always confirm by having someone else do another ultrasound, but she'd been doing it for 16 years and didn't want  to give us false hope.  After talking a lot, she kind of sat there waiting like we were supposed to say something.  I don't know if we were supposed to have questions or what, but all I wanted to do was leave.  She left and then came back with some paperwork on dealing with miscarriage and took us out to make an appointment for the next day.

The next day we went to the radiology department to have another ultrasound.  I was already very emotional, and then they wouldn't let Stephen come back with me.  And the tech was pregnant.  And grumpy.  She did the regular external ultrasound, then had me go to the bathroom and did an internal ultrasound.  She had me put the wand thing in, which I found really weird.  Between the uterine abnormality stuff and this pregnancy, I've had 5 or 6 of these internal ones done and had never been told to put it in myself.  When I questioned her, she got really defensive and said she likes to give her patients the option and if they didn't want to that was fine.  Well she hadn't given me the option, I just did it.  But she kept defending herself at which point I lost it and said I really didn't care.  After that she was a little nicer.  She asked if I'd seen my doctor lately, I said yes and she was doing this to confirm.  So I took that as a bad sign.

The doctor called that afternoon and said the radiologist had not found a heartbeat either.  We have three options, either let my body miscarry on its own, take medication to start the miscarriage, or do a D&C.  My doctor seemed to be leaning toward the medication, but after talking to T about it, I didn't want to do that.  T said the medication basically induces labor and can be very painful, and sometimes you still have to have a D&C.  So then I was leaning toward the D&C so I can get it over with and start to move on.  We already have to push the surgery to remove the septate back and I want to start trying again as soon as we can.

Stephen answered the phone when the doctor called.  She started talking about the procedure and actually described a D&E where they use suction instead of scrapers.  She said several times that the septate shouldn't be a problem for her, almost like she was convincing herself.  When she said it was the same procedure as an abortion but not an abortion because there was no heartbeat (I think to reassure us), I lost it.  She just kept talking and talking so Stephen had to cut her off and almost hang up on her.  When her nurse called to schedule to D&C (or E) I told her I'd changed my mind and was just going to let my body do what it's supposed to.

But it's now Sunday (4 days after finding out there was no heartbeat and almost 3 weeks after the baby stopped growing) and I am having no signs of miscarriage.  I'm still queasy, still have strong food aversions, and am still exhausted.  Except now instead of praying there is no blood when I go to the bathroom, I'm praying that there will be.  All the queasiness and other pregnancy symptoms are just a sad reminder that my body can't get with the program and still thinks I'm pregnant.  I'm in this horrible in between time where I can't start to move on because it hasn't happened yet.

Part of me is (irrationally, I know) worried about doing the D&C because people make mistakes.  What if the doctors are wrong?  I also didn't want that particular doctor to do it because I seemed to know more about my septate uterus than she did.  She said several times that it could not have caused the miscarriage, which is exactly opposite of what our fertility specialist said.  And she couldn't tell me where it had implanted, so she couldn't have known that wasn't the cause of the miscarriage.

I'm going to do two more HCG tests this week, and if they're going down, then I know the doctors weren't wrong.  I'm not really holding out hope, I would just always live with the fear that our baby might still be alive and I did a D&C.  It seems like the easy way out for me.  It's over quickly.  I'm not worried about surgery or anesthetic.  I'm terrified of the physical pain that I've read online about natural miscarriages.  And even more terrified of being in this horrible limbo for weeks.

I know God is walking with us through this.  The day after we found out I felt like I was in this protective little bubble.  I was still sad, but I knew we were going to get through it, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  It was like coming up for a breath.  Certain days and hours have been worse than others.  Sometimes something triggers the tears, sometimes they just come for no apparent reason.  I know we have a lot of people praying for us and a few good friends who've been checking in.  I know we'll get through this, it just feels like we have so long to go.