I spent the two weeks beyond thrilled that I was queasy and had strong aversions to certain foods. It's not fun to be queasy, but I so desperately wanted to be pregnant that any sign of pregnancy was exciting and welcomed. We knew we were high risk, but still hoped.
At the 8 week ultrasound the doctor was quiet for a while, looking for the heartbeat. Then she told us she couldn't find one. And the measurement was 6 weeks 3 days, when it should've been 8 weeks and 2 days. When we'd gone in 2 weeks earlier it had been 6 weeks 1 day. She said they always confirm by having someone else do another ultrasound, but she'd been doing it for 16 years and didn't want to give us false hope. After talking a lot, she kind of sat there waiting like we were supposed to say something. I don't know if we were supposed to have questions or what, but all I wanted to do was leave. She left and then came back with some paperwork on dealing with miscarriage and took us out to make an appointment for the next day.
The next day we went to the radiology department to have another ultrasound. I was already very emotional, and then they wouldn't let Stephen come back with me. And the tech was pregnant. And grumpy. She did the regular external ultrasound, then had me go to the bathroom and did an internal ultrasound. She had me put the wand thing in, which I found really weird. Between the uterine abnormality stuff and this pregnancy, I've had 5 or 6 of these internal ones done and had never been told to put it in myself. When I questioned her, she got really defensive and said she likes to give her patients the option and if they didn't want to that was fine. Well she hadn't given me the option, I just did it. But she kept defending herself at which point I lost it and said I really didn't care. After that she was a little nicer. She asked if I'd seen my doctor lately, I said yes and she was doing this to confirm. So I took that as a bad sign.
The doctor called that afternoon and said the radiologist had not found a heartbeat either. We have three options, either let my body miscarry on its own, take medication to start the miscarriage, or do a D&C. My doctor seemed to be leaning toward the medication, but after talking to T about it, I didn't want to do that. T said the medication basically induces labor and can be very painful, and sometimes you still have to have a D&C. So then I was leaning toward the D&C so I can get it over with and start to move on. We already have to push the surgery to remove the septate back and I want to start trying again as soon as we can.
Stephen answered the phone when the doctor called. She started talking about the procedure and actually described a D&E where they use suction instead of scrapers. She said several times that the septate shouldn't be a problem for her, almost like she was convincing herself. When she said it was the same procedure as an abortion but not an abortion because there was no heartbeat (I think to reassure us), I lost it. She just kept talking and talking so Stephen had to cut her off and almost hang up on her. When her nurse called to schedule to D&C (or E) I told her I'd changed my mind and was just going to let my body do what it's supposed to.
But it's now Sunday (4 days after finding out there was no heartbeat and almost 3 weeks after the baby stopped growing) and I am having no signs of miscarriage. I'm still queasy, still have strong food aversions, and am still exhausted. Except now instead of praying there is no blood when I go to the bathroom, I'm praying that there will be. All the queasiness and other pregnancy symptoms are just a sad reminder that my body can't get with the program and still thinks I'm pregnant. I'm in this horrible in between time where I can't start to move on because it hasn't happened yet.
Part of me is (irrationally, I know) worried about doing the D&C because people make mistakes. What if the doctors are wrong? I also didn't want that particular doctor to do it because I seemed to know more about my septate uterus than she did. She said several times that it could not have caused the miscarriage, which is exactly opposite of what our fertility specialist said. And she couldn't tell me where it had implanted, so she couldn't have known that wasn't the cause of the miscarriage.
I know God is walking with us through this. The day after we found out I felt like I was in this protective little bubble. I was still sad, but I knew we were going to get through it, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It was like coming up for a breath. Certain days and hours have been worse than others. Sometimes something triggers the tears, sometimes they just come for no apparent reason. I know we have a lot of people praying for us and a few good friends who've been checking in. I know we'll get through this, it just feels like we have so long to go.
Lindsey, I'm so sorry to hear this. Know that you have so many people praying and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't see it just yet. Thanks for sharing your journey, I know I am encouraged by your faith and hope in the face of tough decisions, circumstances, etc.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindz. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I miscarried before I got pregnant with Addie, and I was at about 8 weeks too. I had EXACTLY the same feeling about a D&C or D&E, and I already knew there was no chance the baby was still alive. Even knowing that, I couldn't bring myself to do it because the doctors kept throwing the word abortion around. It felt wrong. I even refused pain medication because in my depressed state I thought I deserved to feel the pain of the miscarriage. I know it's an intensely personal decision, but I can say that if I had to do it over again, I would definitely take the pain medication they were offering. Before I had a miscarriage, nobody ever talked to me about what it is like, and even a natural one is really painful. I don't say that to scare you, but when I was miscarrying, half of what I was feeling was fear about how bad it hurt and I was unprepared. I also have friends who have had multiple miscarriages and who opted for a D&C. For all of them it seemed to help them get through the physical part more quickly and move on. I don't know if I would opt for one if I had to do it over again, but I think I probably would, knowing what I know now. I had all kinds of intense feelings of guilt about miscarrying, even at home.
ReplyDeleteI also agree, as you say, that you have a stretch of difficult times ahead. I felt guilty mourning the loss because I thought my pain couldn't compare to other people who had lost babies at later stages of pregnancy or even lost children. I know now that that isn't a good thing, to compare pain. Pain is pain, and this is a loss. You have to mourn the loss and also mourn the loss of the future you let yourself think of, and that can be just as hard.
For me the most difficult things were people who said terrible things or people who stayed away and didn't talk to me for fear it would make me more upset. I found I was in a dark fog for several months, but when I did want to talk I appreciated the people around me who were checking in. It's just hard. Knowing what I do now, I also would probably get counseling if at all possible. At the time I hadn't ever been to any kind of counseling, but Eric and I have both found our fair share of comfort from counseling in the last 5 or 6 years, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Sometimes it's good just to have someone you can say things out loud to who isn't someone you have to feel judged by. You can say all the weird things out loud that you're thinking and not worry if they're normal.
But probably you're not ready for that right now, or even to talk to me. But I'm here if you want to. I also have a good friend who has PCOS and some other fertility issues who experienced multiple miscarriages who might have more to talk to you about than I do, if you'd like me to put you in touch with her.
i am just so sorry for your loss, and also for your fear and uncertainty and for the horrible tech you had to deal with at Kaiser. If you need anything at all, we're here.
-Heath