Sugar, dun dun dun dun dun, Oh Honey Honey

Just wanted to post a little bit of an update.  After my initial post about the bicornuate and PCOS stuff, I got a lot of really nice comments and emails.  People sharing stories about their own lives that I hadn't known, or just offering encouragement or advice.  One of those people, I will call her T because I haven't asked her permission to put her name on here, has a kind of complicated family connection to me and I haven't seen her more than once or twice since I was young.  I knew she was a nurse, but it turns out she is a nurse at the Kaiser fertility specialist center that we were going to go to.  She gave her phone number and we talked for a good 45 minutes.

She recommended a doctor and explained a lot of stuff about bicornuate uteruses (uteri?) and PCOS and was very encouraging that while we definitely don't have an easy road, having children is very possible.  I hadn't actually verbally talked to a doctor about the bicornuate uterus stuff, or really even about the PCOS.  I've known I had PCOS since I was in high school, but the symptoms I could see and feel (weird cycles, etc), were treated by birth control.  I didn't realize there are other symptoms, like insulin resistance, that aren't always treated by the hormones in the birth control.

I've been reading a lot about insulin resistance, because I know losing weight will help.  I've actually lost about 6 and half percent of my body weight since February, when some friends at school and I did a mini Biggest Loser competition.  But losing weight has always been hard for me.  There were weeks when I would eat well (and stay within points for Weight Watchers or calories depending on what I was counting at the time), I didn't cheat with anything, and I exercised 4 or 5 times in the week, but then I would stay the same or even gain weight.  And then weeks were I didn't do so great and I would lose weight.

T told me that women with PCOS very often have insulin resistance and therefore weight loss is incredibly difficult.  Do-able, but much more difficult that people with normal body chemistry.  From what I've been reading, my body stores sugars a lot more than it should. So things that I thought were healthy, like fruit, were stored more than they should of been.  The healthy fats and healthy carbs actually help break down the sugars.  So going low fat and low carb, but high sugar (even natural sugar, which I'd never paid attention to) actually made my body store more.  So I'm going to try adjusting my diet to a more diabetic-type diet and hopefully I'll lose some weight!

I read into some things that are supposed to help with insulin resistance, but I'm also balancing the hope that I might be pregnant.  Everything I looked into, like cinnamon pills and apple cider vinegar, either wasn't safe if you are pregnant or the complications with pregnancy were unknown.  I know I can't wrap myself in bubble wrap, but I feel like I should be doing everything in my power to stay pregnant once I get pregnant.  It's been so hard to get pregnant, I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize it.  I haven't had caffeine in months and basically being careful about what I eat and do in case I am pregnant.

I've also been reading a lot of PCOS specific diets.  Many of them recommend eating organic whenever possible, especially meats and dairy.  Organic meat means there's no added hormones (and same with dairy stuff).  My body can't even handle my own hormones, so I guess it makes sense that I shouldn't add additional hormones that don't belong.  The cost is very frustrating (especially for a couponer and deal finder like me), but if it helps us get pregnant, it's worth it.

In the meantime, T has been amazing (or a-maw-zing as Penny on Happy Endings would say) at helping me get an appointment scheduled and I have one for Thursday (happy birthday to me!).  Hopefully we can find something out other than "could be bicornuate, could be septate, we can't rule anything out."

Letting Go

A bicornuate "heart shaped" uterus.  Not mine, though. 

Those of you who know me know that I like to have control.  I like to have things planned out, whether I'm at school or we're traveling or wherever I am.  I've known I have polycystic ovarian syndrome a long time, but it was always treatable with the birth control pill.  Which is slightly counterproductive when trying to get pregnant.  I've learned about some treatments for PCOS that aren't birth control, so that's a future possibility.  But the bicornuate uterus, and not knowing how bad it is or whether they've even diagnosed me correctly, has been really hard for me.  The waiting is really hard.

In my head I know that God is in control and this must be happening for a reason.  But it's so hard to see what possible good could come from this struggle.  When I watch some of the kids in my class whose parents don't give a rip about them, or hear some of the things my kids are told by their parents, it just doesn't make sense.  Why would God give these people a child that they didn't want and don't care about, but not me and Stephen who would adore a child and be great parents?

In my head I knew I was going to have to let go.  But I wasn't.  And I didn't want to.  And to be honest, I didn't think I could.  How could I say I don't want to be pregnant?  That whatever God had planned for me, even if it meant no children, would be okay.  It would be a lie.  I want children.  I want to be pregnant.  What if I told God I was "okay" with his plan and he took me seriously?  (As if I could hide what I truly felt from God, but strange things go through your mind when you're in a funk.)  What if this was a test to see if I could "let go" and God knew I was faking it?  It was much easier to thank everyone for their prayers and move on.  So I sort of pretended and went along with life.

Then last Saturday I went to a women's tea with my mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and my grandma-in-law.  (lots of in-laws, but I am blessed with both a biological family and an in-law family that I actually enjoy being around).  I was looking forward to it and it was really nice.  There was a speaker, and her her mother, who talked for a while.  I wasn't expecting to get much out of it, being a mother's day event, but I listened.

It's amazing how the things she talked about didn't necessarily all apply to me, but God was still able to speak to me in a real way.  I wasn't running from God and turning to drugs and alcohol, but I was definitely running from God.  She talked about Romans 8:28, which says "we know in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him."  Good little Christians throw out this happy verse a lot, but it often rings hollow when your in the middle of the bad things.

She talked about how easy it is to "play" church when things are going well.  How often do you remember to pray or read your Bible when things are hunky dory?  Not nearly as often as when things are sucky.  So maybe this waiting is just to bring me closer to God.  To start praying more regularly, and reading my Bible, both of which need a great deal of improvement if I'm being completely honest.

So on the way home (this had been in Lodi/Stockton), God and I had a talk.  Well I cried, but I also talked.  I told Him that I don't know how to let go of this.  That I don't know how to not want to be pregnant, or how to be happy if His answer for our prayers is no.  But I am willing to ask for His help to make what He wants my desire.  You may not believe in God, but I do, and I chose to believe that He will work everything out.  Am I okay with not being pregnant?  Not exactly.  It still hurts, I still want to be pregnant, and I'm still going to continue to pray that it will happen and do everything I can medically to help it happen.  But I don't feel the same hopeless and helpless feeling that I had before.  I know I'm going to have to "let go" over and over, but at least I'm walking in the right direction now.

I felt reminded of how truly blessed I am and how many wonderful people love me.  I have a biological family and a family by marriage who love us and are praying.  My church is like another family that doesn't pretend like everything is easy and is standing with us and praying for us.  I have friends who love me and are praying for me.  I am blessed.  And whether I get pregnant, or we decide to adopt, or both, I am not alone.

Lastly, I wanted to share the chorus of a song that has really been a big impact on my life since all of this started.  It caught me off guard because I've had the CD for a while and knew this song, but when this song came up on my shuffle while grading I actually stopped and cried.  (I cry a lot lately, I blame the hormone imbalance).  Anyway, it's called "Something More" by Francesca Battistelli and the chorus says:

God, it's so hard living with a longing heart
Everything I think I need feels so strangely out of reach
So God help me now to understand that this may be how
You show me I was made for something more

Go check it out here: http://youtu.be/kv-2SUruayk

I hope if you're going through something, whether similar or completely different, that this encourages you.  I can honestly tell you that no matter where you're at and whether you feel Him or not, God is right there with you.  Why not give Him a chance? 

When are you having kids?.......

When are you having kids?  It's a question that all newlywed couples are asked countless times, and a question that becomes more pressing as you've been married longer.  It's also a question that has begun to cause a knot in my stomach.

The only posts I've written up to this point have been about traveling.  They've all been pretty surface level, stuff I would tell a stranger on the street.  I've decided to take things a little more personal, although it's still stuff I would talk to to most people (but perhaps not a stranger).  The reason I decided to do this is partly related to that question,"when are you having kids?".  Instead of having to explain the situation to everyone individually, I know some people will read it here.  Also, I haven't seen many blogs about this stuff, so maybe it will help other people or help connect me to people going through the same thing.

First, some background.  Stephen and I got married 5 years ago, and I had a "5 year plan" at the time.  A year and a half to finish my BA and get my credential.  2 years to get tenured.  And a year and half to travel (in particular, a Europe trip).  If you know us at all, you know we've now checked all those things off.  Then I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby in March so I (as a teacher) can go on maternity leave around spring break and then have the whole summer before I go back to work.  So about a year ago, we started trying.  No luck.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a fairly common thing (5-10%) for women.

*If "ovarian" freaks you out, stop reading here.  Fair warning.*

For me, the biggest issue with the PCOS is a totally random menstrual cycle.  Pretty much, I skip a period every other month.  Which is awesome in general because periods suck, but no bueno when you're trying to get pregnant.  No period = no ovulation = no baby.  And having an irregular cycle means when I do ovulate, it could be anywhere in a 50-60 day period of time.

I knew I had PCOS (since high school), so my OBGYN told me after we tried for a year, she would refer me to a fertility specialist.  So she did.  They sent the paperwork, including the cost sheet.  Right now we waive Stephen's health insurance and use mine, which only covers 50% of fertility treatment.  Basically this means the initial visit and tests would cost us around $600.  With Stephen's health insurance, we only pay a $15 co-pay.  But we can't change insurances until my open enrollment effective date (July 1st).  So we wait.

In the meantime, my OBGYN offered to run some tests on her end, including an ultrasound.  At the ultrasound, they found that it looked like I had a bicornuate uterus.  Known as a "heart shaped" uterus, that's exactly what it is.  It's pretty rare, only effecting .1 - .5% of women.  Figures.  From what I've read, it doesn't really effect you when you're trying to get pregnant (that's just my PCOS).  But it does mean that if/when I get pregnant, it will be high risk.  There is a much higher chance of pre term labor, or second and third trimester miscarriages.  Depending on where the baby implants, if it grows into the lobe of the heart, the uterus doesn't expand and it will kill the baby.

We did an MRI a few weeks ago, hoping to get more information.  But the only answers we got were that they confirmed I had a bicornuate uterus and they weren't able to tell if there was a septum or not (a division inside the uterus).  Basically no more information than the ultrasound had given.  So $50, a relatively stressful 20 minutes in an incredibly loud machine, and no more answers.

I am trying hard to remember that God's plans are better than mine.  But I am a planner and I like when things go as planned.  So this is very difficult for me.  Stephen remains positive and optimistic, and I am trying hard to do so as well.

So in answer to the "when are you having kids" question: hopefully soon, but we don't know.