It's been 10 days since we found out there was no heartbeat, 3 and a half weeks (24 days) since the baby stopped growing. And I'm still queasy, still tired, and still can't stand the sight, thought, or smell of eggs or ham. Pretty much exactly the same as when I was pregnant. No spotting whatsoever. Some cramping, but I've had that for over 2 weeks.
We did two blood tests last week and while my HCG levels are high, they are decreasing. And while HCG levels do decrease in the 9-11th week, they should be higher before they decrease. So that pretty much seals the deal. Even if the doctor, the ultrasound tech, and the radiologist were all wrong, my hormones don't lie.
We're going to do one more ultrasound tomorrow, just for peace of mind. And we have the D&C scheduled for Monday morning. It's with one of the fertility specialist doctors, so I feel confident in his knowledge of my weird uterus. The other doctor said several times in our conversation that the septate uterus shouldn't be a problem, wouldn't be a problem during the D&C. I got the feeling she was convincing herself just as much as convincing us. Granted, our only interactions with her have been negative and being told that this baby we were dreaming about was no longer alive. So we may be a little biased against her.
I am not feeling overly confident in the decision to do a D&C. I know there is not really any chance that this baby is still alive, but what if... The D&C spares me the physical pain of a miscarriage, and the possibly long period of bleeding afterward. It means we can schedule the surgery to remove the septum sooner. And it means we can start moving on and really healing emotionally. We had the initial shock and sadness, but now we're just waiting. Checking every time I go to the bathroom. Praying that the cramping gets worse so it can just be over. But everyday it's just more nausea, exhaustion, and cramping.
I am not getting a clear answer from God, either. I do know He's with me. I have one friend who I haven't seen in a while who we happened to run into and tell we were pregnant. I texted her and told her when we lost the baby. She is one of the strongest women of God I know; when she says she'll pray for you, things happen. It the darkest moments, after the radiologist confirmed no heartbeat and after the initial decision to not do the D&C right away, she texted me. The first was just to say I was on her heart, and the second time that she was later. Both came within 5 minutes of getting the news. It was like God using her to remind me that He sees me and I am not alone.
Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (NIV) and "The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm" (NLT) have popped up in my life multiple times. It was in a "worry" Bible study I started on YouVersion after I found out I was pregnant (I was worried from the beginning). A friend sent it to me in an email. And I've seen it on Pinterest of all places. It's pretty much where I'm at right now. I don't have the emotional or physical fight in me, my only option is to be still. I tend to withdraw when I'm upset, or angry, or sad....pretty much all the time. Given fight or flight I choose flight everyday and twice on Sundays. All I can do right now is be still, and that's ok for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment