What to Say (Or Not Say) When Someone Miscarries

Let me start this by saying nothing has gone wrong with this pregnancy, the baby and I are healthy and fine.

I've thought about writing this post for a long time, but have always felt like everyone is so different in how they grieve that my one opinion would be helpful.  But  a few months ago a friend, who has never had trouble getting pregnant, asked for some advice on what to say to someone she knew who'd lost a baby.  She said she knew she didn't understand and didn't want to pretend to, but that left her at a loss as to what to say.

I hope I do not hurt anyone's feelings with this post.  I know many of the people who said these things to me/us after we miscarried were trying to be helpful and love us a lot.  But I also think it's important to explain how I saw things.  And I am fully acknowledging that this is how I dealt with my grief and it may be totally different for someone else.

I'll start with the things that were not useful to hear.

1.  Something must have been wrong with the baby
              While this is entirely accurate medically, I did not want to hear about how the perfect baby I had imagined must have been genetically abnormal or deformed.  The image I have of him/her is and always will be perfect.  It was insinuated to me that we were better off losing the baby than having him/her deformed, which just made me mad and hurt more.

2.  It wasn't God's will.
               As someone who believes in God and believes He has a plan for my life, I know that this is also true.  Even when I was at my darkest moment, I still believed God was with me and could feel His presence with me.  But I was also mad at God for letting it happen and questioned the fairness of it all quite a bit.  Saying that the death of a baby we had tried for for 2 years was God's will only made me more upset at God.

3.  When it's God's timing, you'll get pregnant.
                  This one is very similar to number 2.  Death is part of life and I believe God walks, or carries, us through it, but that doesn't make this a comforting statement.  Also, there is no one on Earth who can claim to know that I would get pregnant again.  There is always a possibility that I wouldn't.  So trying to reassure me that I could have another baby (as if that could replace the one I was grieving for) was just a reminder that I might never get pregnant again.  We would have and still might adopt, so I knew I would be a mom, but I had no guarantees that I would ever be pregnant again.

4. At least you weren't farther along.
                   This one still makes me clench my fist.  You cannot compare someone's grief to another.  And trying to mitigate the grief and sadness just invalidates the feelings that were going on inside of me.  Could it have been worse?  Yes.  Did that make me feel any better?  No.

5.  20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.
                  A true statistic that I have heard many many times.  But just because a lot of other people have gone through the pain does not mean that I will feel better when you tell me that.  It also felt like a very dismissive statement most of the time.  Like losing our baby was "bound to happen."  Definitely not something that helped.

6.  You'll get pregnant again.
                  This one is similar to #3.  You don't know that I will ever get pregnant again, no one can know that.  Is there a good possibility?  Yes.  But you can't promise that or offer it as a reassurance when the person knows it might not be true.

7.  Nothing at all.
                   Miscarriage is a strange grief because it's different.  There's no body, no funeral, and life just goes on as usual.  I remember driving in the car, sobbing, and wishing I could be as oblivious as the people in the car next to me who were laughing and talking about something.  A lot of people didn't know what to say, so didn't say anything at all.  I understand why, but I felt very alone at times.  And I did have people who talked to me, so I wasn't alone.  Had I not had those people, I can't imagine what the silence would have done to me.
           
As you can see, many of these things I intellectually know to be true.  But they either made me mad, more sad, or just didn't help.  So what did help?  Here's what helped me:

1.  People acknowledging the grief
             A simple "I'm so sorry" and a hug was an acknowledgement that my grief was real, legitimate, and that the person was there for me.  Don't ask "how are you doing" with the slight head tilt and pursed lips, though.  "Crappy, that's how I'm doing" was the answer I wanted to say.  I didn't really want pity, but I did want people to acknowledge my sadness.

2.  Offers of help
              But this has to be specific.  Saying "let me know if there's anything I can do" was never going to get a request from me.  Saying "can I bring you dinner in the next couple of days" is helpful and doesn't require me reaching out to you.  I know I have a hard time asking for help, so the only people who did bring us food or other stuff were people who offered very specific things.  Or just came.  Flowers and a card left on the front porch the day after we found out let me know that our friends were thinking of us.  Dinner so I didn't have to worry about what we were going to eat (which I could have cared less about the first couple of days).  A gift to remind us of the baby.  All of these things helped me.
              On the flip side, some people may not want the same kind of thing.  I did want a reminder of this baby, but others may not.  But if you are going to offer help with something, be specific about it so the only required response is "yes."

3.  Offering an understanding shoulder
              I had a lot of people tell me or email me about their own experience with miscarriage.  The ones who did it with sympathy and who answered questions for me helped me get through the roughest days.  There were some whose stories felt almost like they were "one upping" me, which was not helpful.  But for the most part, people shared their stories and offered a shoulder to remind me that I was not alone.  Everyone's story is different, so know one can understand exactly how I felt, but there is a certain camaraderie in grief.

4.  Help tell other people
             We'd had a hard time keeping the pregnancy a secret, even though we were still in the first trimester.  We were so excited that we told a lot of people, even knowing that we were at a higher than normal risk for miscarriage.  The most difficult thing we had to do was type out the texts telling everyone that we had lost the baby.  I forwarded the same one to most people, but having to think of everyone that we had told was hard.  If there's any way you can help the person tell other people about the miscarriage, that will take a weight off their shoulders.  And having to answer the same questions over and over makes it hard to just be sad and start to grieve.  Most of my responses became automated, and I didn't even have that many people to tell.  I was lucky enough to tell a few and let them handle the rest.

5.  Acknowledge the due date
             Our due date was engrained in my mind and there was no way it was going to pass without me remembering it.  You can read about that week here.  I thought I could handle it, but I ended up having my emotions bubble over.  I thought no one else had remembered, which made me even more sad.  It turns out that because I hadn't said anything, those who were closest to me had hoped I hadn't remembered.  I think it would have been better to do something to acknowledge the day and deal with the grief head on instead of trying to bury it.

Those are all the things I can think of at the moment.  And remember, this is just what I felt.  The best thing you can do is ask the person.  Do they want to talk about it?  Do they want to stay busy?  Do they want to have a lot of people around?  Do they want to be alone or just one or two close friends/family?

As Mother's Day approaches, I feel for the many friends that I know are still dealing with infertility and loss.  It's one of the most difficult days of the year and unfortunately a lot of well-meaning people trying to acknowledge mothers don't realize how much it hurts to not be considered one of them.  For those of you in that situation, I am praying for you.

Hopefully this helps with some difficult conversations, or at least makes someone stop and think.

25 Weeks

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted anything, so I figured it was time for an update.  At 25 weeks, I am beyond the "is she pregnant or just shouldn't have had that cookie" stage.  I can feel the baby moving a lot, and the movements are getting stronger.  She was actually moving a book I had on my stomach the other morning, which was quite funny.  I absolutely love feeling her movements.  They make me smile, remind me she's safe, and it's like having my own little buddy with me wherever I go.  So if you see me randomly smiling and watching my stomach, I'm not crazy.  Promise.

The last month has brought some pregnancy pains, but that's to be expected.  Most nights and mornings it feels like someone kicked me in the pubic bone.  It hurts more when I have laid down for a while, but it also hurts worse if I've been on my feet a lot.  So when I asked my doctor whether exercise or rest was better, her response was pretty much neither one.  And that it would get worse.  Thanks doc.

My feet and ankles swelled a little this week.  And yes, I was drinking plenty of water.  I tend to drink around 100 oz a day (teaching makes me thirsty).  But it was warmer than usual, and I was on my feet a lot.  There's only 4 more weeks of school, and then I can put my feet up more.

On the upside, my heart rate issues have gotten better.  The holter monitor showed that my heart was skipping a beat and then was irregular afterwards.  The only treatment is beta blockers, which could cause growth issues for the baby.  The risk for the baby definitely outweighed the benefits for me, so we decided to try to reduce my stress level and prevent them as much as possible.  They almost always started during a particular period at school, so I had to let go of some of the stress.  It helped that the next week was minimum days for STAR testing.  And as hard as it is for me, letting go of making everything perfect has also helped.  In perspective, keeping myself and the baby healthy are way more important than any lesson I'm trying to teach or event I'm trying to pull off.  I also took a day off in the middle of the week, and am taking another the week after next.  There have been less heart episodes since doing these things, so I think it's working.

This Saturday started the first of the busy Saturdays between now and July.  As in, I literally have something happening every Saturday between now and July.  I got to host my sister's first wedding shower this weekend.  People seemed to enjoy it and she got some great stuff.  My parents helped with all the planning and cleaning, which kept me from getting too stressed.  Next weekend, we have a family shower for her, which I'm looking forward to.  Most of my extended family hasn't seen me pregnant, so it will be fun to see everyone.

Speaking of, here is a picture from yesterday:

As uncomfortable as some of these aches and pains have been, I am still enjoying being pregnant.  Which sounds crazy and I can't explain it.  Maybe because there was a period where I was worried I might never get to be pregnant.  I always knew we'd have kids because we would (and still might) adopt, but I desperately wanted to be able to be pregnant.  As I've been typing, they baby has been rolling around, punching or kicking (not sure which), and making the computer bounce a little.  It's pretty weird that there's a human in there.  And if we had her today, she would have a chance at surviving with significant medical help.  (I don't by any stretch of the imagination want her to come now, but it was comforting to know that she could survive if something happened).

We've been working on the baby's room, mostly emptying out all of the stuff that has accumulated in there the last couple of years.  That room had always been the baby's room, even when the baby was years away from coming.  So we never really did anything with the room except put stuff in it.  We have the theme of the nursery picked out, so the next step is deciding on painting.  The theme is yellow and green flowers, one of the only girl themed bedding sets that wasn't almost all pink.  Here's the picture from the Buy Buy Baby website:

I like pink, I wear pink, my daughter will wear pink.  But I don't feel the need to have everything be pink.  Yellow is cheerful, the flowers still make it girly, and some of the stuff could be used again if we have a boy (not the flowery stuff, but the solid color stuff).  We've been collecting baby items at garage sales, consignment shops, and friends getting rid of stuff.  We bought a crib, changing table, and glider from Target on a really good sale (coupled with discount codes).  So everything is starting to fall into place!

It's a . . . .

Girl!

So we got to find out last week that we are having a little girl!  And I've finally been feeling her move consistently, which is a HUGE blessing.  Each little bubble like movement is like a reminder that she is safe and fine.  And to answer the question that always follows "it's a girl:" no, we don't have a name yet.  We've got a list that we've been looking at, but haven't done an exhaustive search or hashed out things we like or don't like about the current list.

Monday night we had a cake "reveal" of the gender.  I made a very bright (neon) pink cake, but then frosted it completely in chocolate.  I even added a line of white frosting around the bottom to seal off the prying eyes looking for crumbs of pink or blue.  We had our moms cut it open to reveal that it was a girl.

Here's the cake.  Technically, it should be "cut to see," but it didn't seem to flow as nicely.

Here's the inside

The original plan had been to tell the worship team Thursday, but I had forgotten Stephen had class and I wasn't playing this week, so neither one of us was there.  Stephen still played the drums and I told him he could tell everyone, but he apparently held the information hostage so I could be there when we told them.  Our pastor was ready to meet any ransom demands and actually ran out after us at church because he wasn't around when we told the team after church.  

Friday night we told our small group with a cake as well.  You can't see the cake that well, but it's pink frosting.  I told them I would bring either a pink or blue dessert.  So far, there are 2 boys and 1 girl on the way with two more who don't know yet.  Here's us with the cake (and the lid that took off a bunch of the frosting).

No word on the heart issues yet.  The EKG in the hospital was normal and I only had 3 minor episodes while I was wearing the halter monitor.  Which is what I thought would happen because I had taken the day off.  The monitor went off at 10am on Tuesday.  At 11:04am, I had a normal episode.  They seem to get worse through the week and then taper off on the weekend.  There's only 7 weeks of school left (including this one), and next week's all minimum days for STAR testing.  So hopefully I can stay as unstressed as possible.  Although I am STAR testing 40 14 year olds in a portable...all day on those minimum days.  But they're a pretty good (albeit chatty) class.

Other than the heart pounding (not racing, just pounding), I've been feeling pretty good.  Definitely looking pregnant and people have started touching my stomach.  So far it's been people I'm fine with, so that's good.  I can see how it could get pretty awkward, though.

Irregular heartbeat

Once again, my body has decided to not take the easy road.  For the last month or so I've been having heart episodes where my heart starts to pound harder than normal for 15 - 30 seconds.  I asked my doctor about it at week 15, and she said we'd keep an eye on it but she wasn't concerned because the increased blood flow during pregnancy can make the heart do weird things.

At our 20 week appointment, she asked me about them and they were still happening.  My heart rate isn't really speeding up, but the beat of my heart (which is the opposite as the beat of the pulse) gets really intense.  It feels like it echoes in my chest and makes it hard to get a deep breath.  I do one of those pathetic coughs that doesn't actually do anything but you can't help doing.  The cough doesn't seem to help, but it's usually over within a minute.  My doctor told me to start keeping track of when they happened, what I was doing, and what I had eaten to look for a cause.

Through the week last week, they got worse and worse.  Thursday during school they started happening a lot, and got more intense.  At one point it gave me mild tunnel vision, which freaked me out a little.  I emailed my doctor about it and then left work early (although according to my contract, it would've been on time) and came home and laid down.  They stopped happening so frequently, but I called the advice nurse.  She asked me some questions that made me more worried, like was I alone, was there someone who could come over (Stephen was on his way home), what number they could call if they lost contact with me, etc.  Real reassuring.

She asked if I was feeling the baby moving.  I've felt a little bit, but not a lot.  My OB said it may be another couple of weeks because of the placement of the placenta (the baby is kicking the placenta instead of me).  She wasn't concerned, but this advice nurse was.  She said they would send me to labor and delivery, which made no sense to me.  I guess once you're past 20 weeks pregnant, they always send you there.  I made an appointment for the next day since the episodes hadn't really been happening anyway.

At the appointment they checked my blood pressure (which is always low), watched my heart rate for a little while (stayed steady), and checked the baby by ultrasound.  It was moving a lot and his/her heartbeat looked steady and strong.  My OB said we could go do the EKG right then or do it on Monday.  Since they seemed to be happening more during the week (possibly stress related?), we thought I'd be more likely to have an episode during the EKG if we did it during the week.  So we have an appointment tomorrow at 9:30 for an hour long EKG and then they'll send me home with a portable heart monitor.

The doctor said it's possible that my blood pressure is dropping too low and my heart is working to bring it back up.  Or I could have a heart defect I didn't know about (apparently it's common for them to manifest during pregnancy).  I'm just hoping something shows up on the EKG so I don't seem crazy.

In happier news, we get to do our gender reveal ultrasound tomorrow at 2:00!  And hopefully the baby cooperates!  We will be telling our families with a pink or blue cake Monday night, the worship team Thursday, and our small group Friday.  THEN, I'll post on here :-).  Other than the weird heart stuff, I've been feeling pretty good.  A little bit of round ligament pain and I wish I could feel movement more, but the doctor's explanation made sense.

Also good news, my brother and sister in law had their baby on Friday morning, a beautiful baby girl.  It will be nice to have cousins close in age :-).

Stephen and our new niece

Me and my sister in law last week, on Easter

19 weeks

Here's a couple of pictures showing a little growth:

11 weeks

17 weeks

It doesn't look like much, but I am definitely bigger.  At 11 weeks I could still wear my regular clothes, although they were getting a little bit tighter.  At 17 weeks there were a few things I could fit in to, but I was much more comfortable in maternity clothes.  Pants/shorts in particular.  My regular pants and shorts would still button, but they were tight and because of where the waistband was, made it look like I'd eaten too much the night before.  Wearing maternity pants makes me look pregnant instead of overweight.  Which is always good.

At our last appointment, at 15.5 weeks, the doctor said she could probably tell the sex of the baby.  But then the baby did not cooperate.  It was kicking and moving around, but keeping its knees together.  Stephen says if it's half as stubborn as we are we're going to have a hard time finding out the gender.

We have another appointment next week (we'll be a day short of 20 weeks).  It's just the monthly OB appointment and I don't think she would normally do an ultrasound.  But I'm hoping we can convince her to look.  The official gender ultrasound isn't until April 8th, and I am dying to know!  Although it is going to be very dangerous for me to be in baby stores once I know the gender.

I have felt a few movements in the last week, which is cool.  Mostly little popcorn like feelings.  One felt more like a kick or punch (when I was lying on my stomach to check my phone in the morning and apparently encroached on the baby's space).  I wish I could feel it more or that they were stronger.  I know it's still early to be feeling movement, but it's hard not to worry.  

It's hard to believe we're almost halfway there.  It feels like it's been forever, but I am looking forward to the second half of the pregnancy.  The first half has had a lot of worry and fear.  I don't think it will go away, but when I can feel the baby moving through the day and have that reassurance that he or she is okay, it will be really nice.

Holland America Cruise = The Old People Cruise

When I booked our cruise on Holland America, I knew they had a reputation for being the “old people” cruise line.  But we were going on this cruise as our “babymoon,” one last relaxing vacation before traveling with kids and loads of stuff. We aren’t really into late night partying, so I figured it wouldn’t matter.  Having spent a week on the cruise line, I can confirm that it is definitely the old people cruise line, and there were several other things that will keep us from cruising on them again.  If there was an incredible deal, we would sail on it again, but I would rather pay a little more on one of the other cruise lines, and here’s why.

For the record, I have been on several Carnvial cruises and one Royal Caribbean cruise, so that is what I have to compare to.

There were a few things we liked about Holland:

Ship flicks - you can rent movies from the main desk, which Stephen really liked.

Quality of the food - pretty much the same as the other cruise lines, which is good.

You could bring sodas on board - you could buy cans of soda, water, even bottles of wine and bring them on board.  You just couldn’t bring liquors.  We actually went to a Wal Mart in Puerto Vallarta to get Stephen some sodas.

Now to the things we didn’t like:

Quality of shows - the theater was very small and the shows were not nearly as good as we expected.  The first night was  “preview” show, and it was like a variety show.  We weren’t highly impressed, but we weren’t disappointed.

The next night there were singers and dancers, and they were good, but not amazingly good.  The dance team at the high school could do everything the dancers did and the singers were pretty standard.  The next night was the comedian, who was not funny.  We only smiled a couple of times and never actually laughed.  The cruise activity coordinator was more funny.  

Another night there was an Olympic gymnast, Lance Ringnald, from the 90’s who did a routine using the silk ropes, and we enjoyed his show.  He was entertaining and funny.

There was another night of singers and dancers (which we skipped) and a night of oldies music by some unknown musician (which we skipped).  In fairness, there were people who raved about the shows.  Maybe our expectations were just too high.

No unlimited soda card - there was no unlimited drink card (for sodas) like on the other cruise lines.  You could buy $50 worth of soda for $25, but then you had to keep track of how much you’d spent and whether you’d reached the $50 or not.  It doesn’t cost them much for soda, they could at least do an unlimited card.

No 24 hour food - There was 24 hour room service, or so they said.  But we tried to call twice around 9:30pm both times and the call went straight to hold and after 10 minutes on hold, I hung up.  The dinner buffet ended at 8 or 9 and there was a “late night snack buffet” at 11, but there was nothing to eat from 8 to 11.  Being 17 weeks pregnant, I was hungry around 9:30, and there was no food.  On a cruise ship, that’s crazy!  All the other cruises I’ve been on have had somewhere you could get pizza or burgers, but not this one.  I started grabbing mini boxes of cereal in the morning and leaving them in the room for night.  I guess most old people don’t eat late in the evening, and they were the majority of the passengers.

Layout of the room - The size and shape was basically the same as Carnival, but instead of having the sitting area/couch and then the bed, the bed was first.  It made the room feel smaller to me, and like the sitting space was just wasted.

Dinner arrangement - We did not have a specific time to go to dinner, it was “open seating.”  However, the second floor of the dining room was people who had specific dining times and tables (for some reason it wasn’t an option for us).  So it was only one floor of tables, which lead to long lines.  You could make a reservation each morning starting at 8, but there were specific times you could make a reservation (like 5:30, 7, and 7:30 or something weird like that).  There was a separate line for people with reservations from the people without.  If you got lucky and came at a down time, there wasn’t a long wait.  But sometimes there was a long line to get in.

You could go eat at the upstairs buffet, but the food is not as good and it doesn’t feel as nice.  Why go to Hometown when you can get a formal 4 course meal for the same price?

Small ship - there were only 1400 passengers on the ship.  And of those, between 15 and 20 were children.  There were a few couples around our age and into their early to mid 30s.  I felt bad for the 10 - 20 single men and women who were in their 20’s and 30’s and looking for fun activities because there weren’t really any.  One of those single guys, probably in his early 30’s, was complaining quite a bit at the pool one day at the lack of single women.  (I saw 4 or 5 single women).  The majority of people were aged 65 and above.  One guy even turned 100 on the cruise.  And I have a theory that old people are generally either very nice, interesting people, or very grumpy and rude.  And we met plenty of both.  

We don’t tend to make a lot of friends on vacation anyway (we just like being together).  We’re friendly, but don’t go out of our way to hang out with other people.  So lack of people wasn’t that big a deal (just interesting).  But the ship was much smaller than we were used to.  Carnival and Royal have huge atriums that are beautiful.  This ship’s atrium had a very tall pipe organ (which was never played) and it took up most of the space.  No grandiose glass elevators or big beautiful staircases.  There was a spiral staircase, but it was more practical than aesthetic.

Lack of activities - There was not a whole lot to do.  This is where it really seemed geared toward older people.  There was bingo everyday, the casino, things like towel folding, spa packages you could pay for, a culinary showcase (which I’ll get to in a minute), and art shows/auctions.  There was no dancing, no free demonstrations for makeup or massages, no active activities.  The culinary showcase sounded very interesting.  But when I went, the “specialist” was just a girl on a microphone while one of the chefs, also on a mic, made the food.  And they had very awkward battles for who got to be talking, even talking over each other.  The chef was trying to explain what he was doing and she would interject “fun facts.”  So then the chef would just talk over her.  I only went to one, so maybe they were just having a bad day.

Lack of photographers - I’m used to having photographers all over taking all kinds of different poses and styles of pictures.  There were only 2 or 3 photographers on the ship, and they only did pictures a couple of the nights.  There was a “formal” photographer you made an appointment with and could do a photo shoot with.  We did and the photo shoot was fun, but it was kind of weird.  You went into his “studio” and he played soft music in the back to inspire and make you comfortable.  Then you had to go back to see the pictures on his computer slide show and sit there while he tried to sell you the photo package.  The pictures turned out nice, but a single picture was over $100.  For one picture.  And the packages went over $1000.  I guess old people usually have more money, too.

Some bad crew experiences -  Overall the crew was very nice.  But we had multiple poor encounters.  The first was a casino manager.  Stephen wanted to play in a poker tournament, but it had filled up before we got there.  A few nights later there was another tournament on the daily program for the next day.  So when I went to get hot chocolate (the only semi-filling thing available at 9:30), I went to pay and enter to make sure he had a spot the next day.  The manager said there was no tournament.  I insisted i had just looked at the program and there was one.  He insisted there was not.  He showed me their board with upcoming tournaments as proof.  So I went down to the lobby desk to get a program.  By the time I got back, he was gone and the girl behind the counter (who had been there for the whole original conversation) already knew that I had been right, but said it was a misprint and they weren’t going to do it.  Even though all 1400 people had already received a schedule saying they would.  In the end, both the manager and I were right, but he did not handle it well.  He should have offered to check on it with me, instead of just insisting I was wrong.

The second bad experience was in the dining room.  We got seated at a table for 8 and were told we had to wait for the table to fill up to order so it might be a while.  There were 2 empty 2 person tables right next to us and we had the photo appointment we were trying to make, so we asked if we could move to one of those.  They had to go check and then had us stand to the side while they set the tables.  Which took much longer than it should have.  The manager in charge of the section definitely took his time drying off all the silverware before setting ours on the table.  Then he gave us a head nod to tell us we could sit.  And the service was so slow the table of 8 filled up, ordered, and ate at about the same time as us.

We ordered room service the last morning and it never came.  We tried to call, no one answered.

And one of the more disconcerting issues was the last morning.  There was a knock on the door and Stephen immediately stood up to go get it because we were waiting for the room service breakfast.  Before he could even make it a step from the bed, the door opened!  Some guy who wanted to check the mini bar.  But he didn’t say that, just shut the door.  And came back in (he’d knock, put in his key, and walk in the room) multiple times.  Stephen finally locked the door so he could come in anymore.  We think a couple of the knocks were crew members trying to make sure everyone was awake, too.  And our room steward did the same thing with the knocking and then entering before we could even get to the door.  Luckily we were always dressed!

We didn’t spend the cruise unhappy.  We enjoyed ourselves, the food (when available) was good, the ship was clean and well kept, and we relaxed and read by the pool and in the lounges everyday.  But we both agree 100% that we would never choose Holland as the cruise line again unless it was an unbeatable deal.

12 weeks - 3 months!

2/8/13
3 months down, 6 to go!  It already feels like it's been forever.  For. ev. er.  People keep saying that things will go quickly, but I sure am not seeing or feeling it.  This week was very emotional for me, both good and bad.

The due date of the baby we lost was February 3rd.  It was Superbowl Sunday and with the 49ers in the Superbowl (and my husband a die hard 49er fan), it was a busy day with lots of people and food.  No one said anything about the due date and I wasn't sure anyone remembered at all.  I was distracted and did okay.  Until Monday morning at school.  Sitting at my desk in the morning getting ready for the day, I feel apart.  Like crying hard.  I had about 45 minutes before students were coming, so I pretty much got it together.  An email from my mom made me tear up during class, but if any kids noticed, they didn't say anything.

After school that day, we had an ultrasound.  We decided to do the prenatal screening where they do blood tests and an ultrasound to scan for chromosomal abnormalities.  We opted not to do the amniocentesis because we are not at high risk for chromosomal abnormalities and any risk of miscarriage is just not worth it.  The blood test was more vials than I have ever seen taken at one time, but I suppose it's still less than when I give blood.

The ultrasound was actually at a prenatal testing facility because Kaiser didn't have any appointments available.  It was a very nice facility and the woman was very skilled and fast with the ultrasound machine.  She measured legs, arms, brain, spine, and a bunch of stuff I don't remember.  It was pretty funny to have her press on my stomach to try to get the baby to move.  Then she had me get up, walk around, and drink water to try to make the baby move to whatever position she needed.  I guess it worked because she seemed to get what she needed.  And all the results were good.

After the appointment we went over to the mall and I bought my first maternity outfit, a bathing suit, so I'm ready for our babymoon cruise.  But this was still the same day I'd cried hard early in the day, and I later fell apart again that night.  I felt guilty because I was so sad, even though we'd just seen a healthy baby on the ultrasound and were announcing it on Facebook this week.  It doesn't replace the baby we lost, nor should it, but I so desperately wanted to be happy and just wasn't.  I think I just needed to mourn and be okay with that.  I had known it would be a tough day (the due date), but I hadn't expected a tough week.  I thought once I got through the day I was good to go.  I am still sad on the one hand, but it is getting easier to focus on the happiness.

We announced the pregnancy on facebook using this picture:

We had searched EVERYWHERE for baby 49er gear and could find nothing.  My sister actually made the onesie using glitter markers on a red onesie, and an old friend from high school had the 49er baby booties that I'm holding.

I actually used the picture to announce it to my staff and students, too.  Some of my students didn't really get it, but a couple always did (usually girls).  They were all very excited and wanted to know if it's a boy or girl (don't know yet) and what the name is.  My principal and some teachers decided William Dennis or Dennis William (my principal and a teacher) were apparently perfect names.  I suppose this is just the beginning of the name suggestions?

Rounding out the roller coaster of the week, my grandpa had died one year ago Thursday.  I miss him a lot and I miss the influence he had on our family.  I know I'll see him again someday, but it doesn't make the current time any easier.

So you can see this week was full of emotional highs and lows.  I'm trying to work my way through a devotional on my Bible app.  But when I'm at a real low, I usually just end up sitting and thinking, or more likely, crying.  I don't claim to understand to know why I'm announcing a pregnancy at the time I expected to be holding a baby, and I definitely don't think I'm "okay" with it, but I don't feel so angry at God anymore.  I probably won't understand it until I can ask Him face to face and it has become less encompassing of my life.  For those of you going through miscarriage or infertility, no one can truly understand how you feel and it is not something that can be explained.  But I hope you find encouragement in knowing that there are good days that go along with the bad.  And at some point, the good days seem to outnumber the bad.